Postcards & Promises
by foxwise
Summary: Anna has been in love with Elsa since they were kids, it just took her a little while to realize it. Now she's stuck in a patched up marriage, struggling to find an answer that doesn't involve hurting someone she loves. Modern AU (Elsanna, incest free) Complete
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Frozen, the characters or anything else Disney related. I also don't own any movies or songs, not Disney related, that may be mentioned throughout this story.

* * *

Prologue

...

"Ever since I left for New York… I knew..." Her voice pulled at my gut. I wanted to be mad, but she made it a difficult task.

Fat drops of rain stained the street, smacking down on my face and matting my hair. My chest heaved, whether from exhaustion or anxiety, I wasn't sure.

She looked just as bad. Her blonde hair turned a shade darker, rain clinging to her face and thick lashes as it came down relentlessly. A poorly lit streetlamp made her skin look flush, a far cry compared to her usual complexion. Her mascara had started to run from the edges of her eyes... but she didn't care. I didn't care. She was still beautiful to me even in this weather.

It was cold and wet.

But those blue irises that I've seen throughout my life, they were only focused on me. So fuck the rain, no matter how hard it came down. I was so focused on her lips and the way her mouth was slightly parted. Her bottom lip quivering before her tongue swiped her upper lip, catching a rain drop. I wanted to catch that drop for her. I also wanted answers, proper ones. So, I waited for her to say something, my eyes pleading for her.

God dammit, I deserve that much.

The space between us grew heavy as she took a small step forward, her bare foot squishing a puddle in her way. Another beat passed, the pitter patter of droplets offering background noise to ease the tension. Then she looked down and took her lip between her teeth, holding back what I needed to hear out of fear. That was when I knew it was time to walk away.

I turned on the ball of my foot, my soaked hair whipping around as my boots began to clunk away from her.

"A-Anna, wait!"

I tried to block her out. I _tried_ to. Fuck, she didn't make it easy.

"Dammit, Anna, just hear me out!"

I shoved my fists into the pockets of my rain coat, trudging through the empty street at this dead hour. If it wasn't for the rain, I wouldn't have heard the growing sound of splashing behind me. It prepared me, taking in stride the moment she grabbed me by the elbow and forced me to turn around. Again, she was staring at me with those eyes. They were the brightest of blues, burning with fear of what was coming undone in a matter of seconds.

"Anna, please just wait…"

I was fuming now, nostrils flaring to hide behind my pain, "Why?!"

I almost laughed. Shaking my head, I gave her a sad smile as tears formed in the corners of my eyes. The rain made it an easy thing to hide.

She was close now, her hand hadn't let go of my elbow and I could feel the heat of her touch through my jacket. Those dainty fingers held on as I forced myself to not reciprocate the touch.

I took a deep breath, "Why, why didn't you tell me from the beginning, Elsa…?"

Her eyes wilted, and she took that plump bottom lip between her teeth once more. She settled for a sigh, "I… I didn't realize at the time… I was naive..."

 _Of course you didn't realize it, I wasn't any better though._

I couldn't hear it anymore. My heart was splintering and I couldn't take it. I tried to back away but she surprised me when her grip held me steady. This time, both hands held my elbows and the jostling action brought us closer. Her breath warmed my face in ways that made my spine tingle. A cold droplet rolled from her eyelash down to my nose. Somewhere in the distance, the rolling waves of thunder echoed as she took another breath.

"Dammit, Anna, I'm trying to tell you…"

 _Please, don't, I can't do this anymore._

"…I've been in love… with you… ever since I left..." Her eyes searched my own and I could see how vulnerable she had become within that moment. She was broken, just like me.

 _But I've already fucked it all up._

"I've practically loved you all my life."

* * *

Chapter One

...

My name is Anna Porter.

I'm an only child who had to raise herself for a bit while my dad carried two jobs over his shoulder. It wasn't until our new neighbors came in when I was about six that I started to understand what a real family felt like. The Knowles changed my life in way I didn't understand at such a small age.

You could say they adopted me in a sort of way. My mother wasn't around anymore and my dad worked constantly to give me everything he never had. So I always found myself at their house, having dinners with them and even staying the night when my pop would come home too late from a double shift.

The patriarch of the their family was a big teddy bear despite his superior attitude. He was tall, with dirty blonde hair always groomed back and broad shoulders. He also had the nicest hazel eyes that reflected gold in the sun. His son, Kristoff, was given the same genes. Sandy blonde locks and those light gold eyes that reminded me of autumn leaves.

Mrs. Knowles was the ironic opposite of her husband. Her eyes mimicked the sky and her silky brown hair was usually pinned up with side swept bangs. She first came off quiet… but that woman was not to be reckoned with, I learned that the hard way.

Then there was Elsa, the eldest between the two siblings. I had no idea which side of their family this feature came from, but Elsa was born with the lightest of blonde hair. It was silky, fluffy, and almost angelic. I never knew blonde until I met her and I always admired it.

She also had the brightest baby blues I'd ever seen.

Elsa was the perfect blend of Mr. and Mrs. Knowles, always keeping her chin up but never forgetting that warm smile of hers. Kinda arrogant but a sweetheart once you get to know her. The blonde always wore elegance like a cardigan with the right amount of fun and rebelliousness in her bones. I guess Kristoff and I can be thanked for that.

We were always the trouble makers and Elsa usually tagged along for the company. As kids, we got into all sorts of mischief until their papa came around, then a foot had to be put down. That's how it was through most of our childhood, all the way up to high school.

That's when things slowly started to change.

Kristoff and I were only freshmen when Elsa was a senior, ready to graduate and move on. Naturally, she made a few friends closer to her age group while Kristoff and I always hung out together. We were comfortable that way and even if Elsa was more on the reclusive side at school, she was the same old Elsa back at home. It was also the same year I realized to what extent I truly _liked_ Elsa.

It was getting closer to graduation day. The seniors were ready to throw their traditional parties and say their goodbyes as they prepped for college life. I didn't expect to go to these events prematurely, I would've been happy to wait my turn. Kristoff, of course, had other ideas.

"C'mon, Anna, don't be such a dud."

I crossed my arms over my chest, "I'm not being a dud, it's called being _polite_. We weren't invited, we can't just show up."

He snorted, "Are you listening to yourself? Hellooo, is Anna still in there?" He flicked my forehead to prove his point while I swatted his hand away.

"Think about it, Kristoff, don't you think a bunch of seniors will notice a couple of freshmen at their party."

"We'll blend in?" My face dropped at his poor attempt to persuade me as we stared each other down. Then he smirked and used his next best move, "You know my sister's going and she'll be expecting you to go. You don't want to let down your _best_ friend, do you?"

 _Damn._

The moment I groaned and walked away, he pumped a fist in the air, "Yes! Come by the house at eight."

He couldn't see it, but I rolled my eyes as I sulked to my last period. Time was doubled in my mind, watching that big hand slowly make its way to my freedom. All the while, I couldn't stop freaking out about the party. My nervous tick had me doodling on my notepad, and before I knew it, the entire page was filled with drawings instead of notes. Who needs math, right?

"Anna. Perhaps you'd like to volunteer for our next algebraic equation?"

My pen stopped as I stared up like a deer in the headlights, "Uh… I'm…"

"Or would you rather doodle in _detention_?" Being called out like that in class was never the best thing in the world, especially when it came to math. And man do I _suck_ at it.

I gulped, flipping the page of my notepad to a clean one as Mrs. Dunbroch nodded at my silent white flag. "Please, pay attention."

"Yes, ma'am."

It didn't last very long as I droned out again, thankfully there were only a few minutes left. Once the bell sounded off, I shoved my books in my bag and darted off.

I was skipping steps, dodging the bustle of students until I collided with someone. "Uff! Oh, are you alright?"

Elsa looked behind her shoulder, catching glimpse of my red hair as her small smile stretched to a warm smirk. "Anna, I figured it was you, always finding a way to bump into me. You should really stop sliding down those rails, you know? Might get hurt one day."

My heart did a little jump. I never understood why at the time, but my cheeks always grew warm when she seemed worried for me. A partial reason why I was so reckless, for attention, the rest was just bad luck.

"I'll be careful when I'm dead," I smiled back as she shook her head, her side swept bangs swaying. She usually reminded me of Mrs. Knowles when she wore her hair up.

"Are you coming tonight?" _Oh. Kristoff wasn't kidding._

"O-Oh! Kristoff mentioned it but I'm not sure if we can go..."

She cocked an eyebrow, "Oh come on, nobody takes that 'no freshman' thing seriously and you know it."

"Well if you really want me to go, I guess I can squeeze you into my schedule," my expression went from smile to smirk as she narrowed her eyes at the tease.

"Oh, I have to be put in your schedule now? Guess someone's too busy for little ole me then."

I laughed aloud, "You kidding? You probably take up most of my time."

She laughed with me and my stomach twisted into a tiny knot at the sound, "You're no walk int he park either. But seriously, see you tonight?"

 _How can I say no?_

"I don't think I have a choice anymore, I'll be at your place by eight, under Kristoff's orders," I gave a mock salute as she giggled.

* * *

I had stared at my closet for an hour. Another hour was spent just on testing outfits. Thirty minutes later, I decided on the first outfit I pulled out initially because I'm crazy and that's how I function. A dress with a cardigan seemed comfortable enough and after all the outfit swapping I was too tired to change my mind anymore. Meanwhile, Elsa looked flawless and I was sure she barely even tried.

She went for a more casual look, but no matter what she wore, she made anything look good. Opting for black jeans that folded by the ankle and a simple top with a jacket, she looked perfect. Her bun was gone and replaced with a braid, bangs still covering her forehead in a side sweep.

Kristoff was just as simple: baggy jeans and a plaid button-up shirt plus a beanie like every other boy in high school. We rendezvoused just out front by the sidewalk, the bright streetlamp illuminating my nervousness as I tapped my knuckles together.

"Um… You look nice, Anna." Kristoff rubbed his neck, looking at me in a way that made me slightly uncomfortable.

 _It's just a compliment. Calm down._

"T-Thank you, Kristoff."

Elsa threw one out there too, "You do look beautiful, Anna." Of course, my brain wasn't sure how to react when _she_ said it. So I did what I do best. I spewed word-vomit.

"O-Oh no, you look beautifuller- wait, more beautiful? Um, what I mean is, you look nice. Well nicer than usual, not saying that you don't look really nice normally. I just don't know how to compliment. You're gorgeous- wow, okay. I'm shutting up now. Right now."

 _Just kill me now._

Elsa's eyes widened, failing miserably to cover her snort as she clutched her stomach in laughter. Kristoff couldn't help but join in as I chuckled nervously.

I turned beet red from embarrassment, I think I was brighter than my hair. Once they could breathe again (and I no longer felt like dying on the spot) we were on our way. The party ended up being a block away from where we lived, so walking seemed like the best option.

Soon enough the blaring music poured from the windows and seniors were either chatting out front or dancing inside. The second we stepped in, we lost Kristoff. I wasn't too worried since he kinda did his own thing anyways. Elsa found a few of her friends from her economics class and was already getting in the swing of things.

They were talking about college, moving away from their home town, while I hung around like a wallflower. At some point, I stopped listening to their conversation and just watched Elsa immerse herself. It was weird, seeing her so engaged, but it's also part of what she studies. Her social skills needed to be strong so she can run a business or whatever she plans on doing in New York.

I was proud with a dash of envy too.

She fit so well, as did her friends with their plastic solo cups and thick mascara. They all had this desire to leave so quickly and make it in the big leagues, while I hadn't planned anything yet or even decided on a major. I was just an awkward girl barely getting the hang of high school.

One thing I had noticed was Elsa's empty hand. She was offered a drink several times that night but kept declining. It made me smile, almost like keeping a dear secret. It felt nice being the only person to have noticed this.

Elsa didn't like alcohol, at least the smell of it, from the way she'd slightly scrunch up her nose with every decline. At some point, she started to look around until her eyes found me. I had already migrated to the other side of the room. She smiled and gave a small wave which I returned just as awkwardly. She excused herself from her group and started toward me, all the while, my eyes were fixed on hers.

Then _he_ showed up. Hans Westerson AKA Pompous asshole.

I was undecided when I first met him. He was the kind to dress nice and comb his red hair back, with a splash of overpowering cologne. He was polite enough and charming in school, so I never had a problem with him until he put Elsa in an uncomfortable situation. He always had a _thing_ for her no matter how many times she told him no.

From my spot on the wall I could tell he wasn't all there, the way he swayed as his eyes zeroed in on Elsa's figure. That was strike one for me. The double drink in his had was strike two and I couldn't understand why I was getting angry, more than usual.

 _She's just going to turn him down again anyway._

Then he interrupted her stride, shoved a drink in her hand and leaned in too close to her personal space. I could feel Elsa's anxiety spike and all her social skills were thrown in the trash. She tried to take a step back but the sleazebag wrapped his free hand around her waist. Strike three.

That set off a siren in my head. I pushed myself off the wall and made my way to her as she looked around for Kristoff. When he tried to lean in again, I spoke up in a tone I'd never used before.

"Hey, asshat! Can't you take a hint?!"

He jumped and whirled around with wide eyes, as did Elsa, "A-Anna."

I pulled Elsa by the elbow and put myself between her and Hans, "She's clearly uninterested, that usually means to _back off_!"

He scoffed and took another sip of beer, "Who're you, her girlfriend?"

 _Wait, what?_

My eyes widened as I blanched. He waited expectantly but I was too focused on the term _girlfriend_. The best thing I came up with was a grumpy, "whatever…" and I left too quickly to process Elsa following me out of the house.

Once outside, I took a deep breath and shut my eyes. I didn't know where I was going but I didn't want to stay in that house anymore. It felt so cramped and constricting, my throat closing up as I thought of the way Elsa was looking at me. I felt like her hero until I ran off.

 _What's wrong with me?_

"Anna, wait up!" I looked back to find none other than Elsa trying to catch up. I wasn't going to make her run after me, so I stood there and wrapped my cardigan around my middle to steady myself.

"…Hey," I greeted weakly.

She didn't say much, but her eyes were reading me and I suddenly felt hot again. I had to look away, focusing on a crack that split the sidewalk between us. "Anna… are you alright?" I looked back up at those imploring eyes.

 _No._

"Yea."

Elsa bit her lip in response to suppress a frown. She knew it was a lie, I was always bad at it. "Look… thank you, for what you did for me back there…"

"I-It was nothing," I gave her a stiff smile and tried to shrug off the realization that was slowly dawning on me the longer I stared at her.

"No, Anna, that was…"

I looked back down because staring at those baby blues prevented any kind of thinking. I watched her feet shuffle closer to my own, stepping over the crack between us. Then I felt familiar warmth envelop my body as she circled her arms to embrace me.

"…that was brilliant."

Her breath tickled my cheeks as I awkwardly took out my arms from between our us and linked them around her waist. I couldn't tell if that was the greatest idea or not, but I became acutely _aware_ once we were flush together: her proximity, her breathing pattern, the way her hands rubbed my back gently.

She pulled back to study my face with a doleful expression, "Please, tell me what's wrong. You've been distant all night."

It might have been the way she said it. It may have been the way she looked at me. I'm not entirely sure. She did something that forced my bottom lip to quiver and a little sob come up from my chest.

"Oh, Anna…" She hugged me tighter, cooing in my ear.

I sniffled against her chest. It felt so safe and warm, I never wanted to leave.

 _I… I like you._

"Y-You're leaving, Elsa." She didn't say anything, waiting for me to let it all out. After a few deep breaths to keep some control, I continued. "You're going off to college, to New York... I overheard you and your friends. You plan on leaving and you're gonna forget about me and…"

 _I like you a lot._

"Anna, what makes you think I'll ever forget about you? You've been my best friend since we moved here and that'll never change."

I hiccupped, "People change, Elsa, things will change."

I could feel her sigh against me, "That's true, life changes all the time. But _you_ in my life, that won't change. Do you want to know how I'm so sure?"

I nodded, letting her loosen the embrace once more so she could hold my hands in hers. She smiled and took a moment to swipe her thumbs under my eyes, "Because constants are variables that we choose to sustain... and you're the one variable I choose to sustain, Anna. So I'll make you a promise. I'll write to you as often as I can to keep it that way. Once every month, how does that sound?"

I giggled, sniveling as I laughed at her cheesy reference, "You're such a nerd. Yes, I'd love that."

"You see how great science can be? It even stops crying." She giggled with me, smiling even brighter when my tears were gone. "There, all better. I don't like seeing you so upset. You wanna ditch this place?"

"That would be great."

It was nice knowing that we'd try to keep in touch. A little part of me knew those things never lasted but it was still comforting to hear. It was even nicer when she planted a kiss on my cheek before she ran back inside to fetch Kristoff. I stood there a bit bewildered, slowly bringing a hand to my freckled cheek and smiling to myself.

 _I **really** like you, Elsa Knowles._

* * *

Updated:4/30/17

PM's/Reviews and feedback are always welcomed and appreciated. Till next time.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

...

Graduation flew by and Elsa had left for New York. She kept her word and I received a letter every month. Sometimes they were postcards with her intricate signature on the bottom that I often traced over with a finger.

The first few months didn't seem so bad. I mean, Illinois is only around seven hundred miles away, maybe a twelve hour drive if I was determined to see her. The truth is, I didn't even have my license yet and twelve hours is far compared to a few feet from my yard to hers.

Kristoff and I continued into sophomore year, sharing a few classes as we studied together almost everyday. I clung to him more often now with Elsa gone, scared that he'd leave me too. This school was too small to be losing any more friends.

With the holidays around the corner, winds picked up and winter break was finally in two days. The snowy season was never my favorite time of year… but it was Elsa's favorite, so by default, I learned to love it too. This year felt different, growing gloomy without someone to share a scarf with or sip cocoa by the window, watching snow fall.

The bell rang and I flinched out of my reverie.

Gathering my things, I wrapped a scarf around my neck and shrugged on my heavy coat. It still felt a bit damp from the morning rain, shooting a shiver down my spine. With a sigh I hefted my bag on my shoulders and shuffled out. I hadn't realized I was the last to leave, giving a weak smile to Mrs. Dunbroch on the way out.

My boots clunked loudly down the halls while everyone scurried out the main doors. I saw Kristoff through the windows as he waved and my cheeks lifted to a smile. Once out the door, he scooped me up in a bear hug.

"Hey you, ready for winter break?"

I raised a brow while trying to hide my hands in the pockets of my coat, "Duh, no school, why wouldn't I be?"

He shrugged his shoulders in response, "Well you've been sort of down lately." I looked to my boots, tapping them together as I thought of a response.

"… It's just classes and the cold weather, brings down my mood, you know?" As if in response, a cool breeze whipped around me as I trembled. He chuckled, "here…" taking off his beanie and plopping it on my head.

"Thanks," I breathed in relief, pulling down the beanie to cover my ears.

He stuck out his elbow for me to link, "Shall we?"

I nodded in my scarf, wishing I'd brought mittens too. We weren't in a hurry though, keeping a steady pace as I watched our footprints mark the snow. It was nice for a minute, counting our steps as I tried to keep in sync with his long stride.

"I miss her…"

I blinked up at him, knowing exactly who he was talking about. Another breeze picked up and we both shivered, huddling closer as he popped the collar of his army jacket.

"Y-Yea, I miss her too… a lot," I really didn't know what to say. I couldn't exactly tell him, I never thought about telling anyone actually. How would he even react?

"This winter feels a little harsher without her here," he hummed in thought as we walked through the snow crusted sidewalk.

"… It does."

A few seconds passed before he perked up again, "I know that's what's really eating you, I can tell, Anna."

The muscles in my neck tensed as I looked up with wide eyes, "W-What?"

"Look... I get it and I can't replace her spot as best friend, but I'm here for you too."

 _Oh… right._

I sighed and shut my eyes for a moment, relieved that he hadn't noticed the truth. I wasn't ready to face that kind of thing yet, Elsa wasn't even here anymore. I wanted to peg it off as a silly crush, hoping it would all go away with time and distance. But that didn't change how much I missed her.

We had stopped walking and I hadn't noticed till I looked back up at him, my eyelashes crusted with frost. At least, they felt cold enough to be. I hated how mopey I'd become, so I smiled and tried to brush off my bad attitude. "Thanks Kris, at least I still have you. Besides, she'll still visit." He smiled down at me, cheeks pink from the cold.

His smile grew brighter and lit up his eyes, "Well, I have a surprise for you actually." He was up to no good again.

I tilted my head, giving him a smirk, "Oh no, what is it?"

Right on cue, he knocked on the car parked next to us and someone came out. It wasn't until now that I recognized the familiar car of Mrs. Knowles. But she wasn't the one driving it. My heart skipped too many times as I gasped in surprise.

Those blonde tresses flowed in a high ponytail as her bangs hid her forehead. She wore a long black coat with a light blue scarf, set with black leggings and worn boots. Her smile was as dazzling as ever, lighting up her eyes as she jogged towards me.

 _Oh my god._

"Elsa!" I met her halfway and wrapped my arms around that slim waist. Oh, I missed her so much; the smell of her shampoo, her arms around my shoulders, and her silky hair tickling my cheek. The embrace didn't last as long as I wanted it to, but I gave in to look at those bright blue eyes.

"What're you doing here?" I sounded breathless.

Her hands squeezed my shoulders, "I couldn't miss the holidays without you two, it's been a little lonely in New York."

"We'd be happy to keep you here," I offered as she laughed.

"If I could I would, or better yet I'd take you with me."

 _Don't tempt me._

Kristoff snuck around before scooping us all in a big hug, catching us by surprise, "How cute, the gang all reunited!"

The action forced Elsa and I too close for comfort, our noses brushing before I quickly tilted my head. Instead, our cheeks brushed as our bodies were crushed together. My face grew hot, laughing along nervously and pretending not to be flustered.

Kristoff chuckled as he put us down, "Isn't this great? We'll be together for the holidays!"

It did sound wonderful. The idea of spending winter break with Elsa was the best news I'd heard in a while. The only disappointing part was that she'd leave when it was over, but that could wait. I only wanted to know everything I've missed in her life.

"Wait, how's college? What's it like in the city?"

A sharp wind blew through us, chilling me to the bone. Kristoff groaned in response, "Can we take this to the car at least? I could use a heater."

* * *

We talked in the car. We talked at home. We talked over dinner.

And we kept talking when everyone was in bed.

"You've lived there for how long now and still haven't tried a slice of pizza from there?"

Elsa rolled her eyes, "There are better things than pizza."

I pretended to be hurt by the comment, clutching my chest, "That one hit home."

She giggled behind her mug as she brought it up to her lips, taking a sip of her second cocoa cup. We were snuggled up on the couch in the living room, the only light coming from the dying fireplace. It was nice knowing that we'd always come back to this comfort, time wouldn't change that.

It grew quiet, the dying embers crackling as she kept a fixed gaze on the cinnamon swirl in her mug. I took that time to look over her features. She didn't really change physically, it had only been six months after all, but something _had_ changed. She seemed more open, her body language looked a tad more confident and something in her gaze sparked every time she smiled at me.

Thinking about those lips, I couldn't help but stare at them especially when she drew that bottom lip between her teeth. Then she cleared her throat and our eyes met, that's how I knew I'd been caught in my stupor. A blush crept up my neck as I slouched further into the sofa, taking a nervous drink from my mug. I was doing a horrible job of playing it off.

She was staring back at me now, while I looked to the carpet with sudden interest. The silence grew thick and her gaze was burning holes at that point. She brought up her legs to fold underneath herself, as if she could curl into a shell if she tried hard enough.

She took deep breath, nibbling on her lip before saying softly, "Anna… can I talk to you about something... _private_?"

My eyes darted back up, caught in her baby blues as they searched my face.

With her legs tucked to the side, she pulled them even closer, holding onto her ankle out of reflex. The action was sign enough; I knew what she needed to say was making her anxious, forming a knot in my belly as I thought of possibilities.

I sat up, taking a deep breath as I set down my mug on the hardwood floor. She watched my movements as I scooted closer from my corner of the couch and laid my hand over hers. She sighed at the contact, her gaze moving from our hands to me once more.

"You can tell me anything, Elsa. You know this."

She gave a small smile at the encouragement as she shut her eyes, "I don't think I can talk to anyone else about this… I've met someone in New York."

 _Oh._

"Okay… Um, I don't see what's so wrong with this. What's he like?"

Thick lashes shadowed over her eyes as she looked away in embarrassment, "...She."

There was a long pause as everything clicked into place.

 _Oh..._

My eyes widened as I felt a pressure in my chest inflate, making me feel uncomfortable. I knew I had to say something, I just didn't know if I could say the right thing. Of course it didn't matter that she preferred women… or both men _and_ women? Maybe she just didn't have a preference and loved unconditionally.

Regardless, what stung was the realization that I had lost her, in a different way. Someone else got her attention before I could, like an idiot. I didn't know what I could say.

It's not like I could just confess my feelings and everything would be grand.

I would've preferred not saying anything at all, for once, but the expression on her face had me saying things that someone would _want_ to hear after that kind of confession. Especially, from their best friend.

"Well, that's definitely still a good thing."

Elsa's eyes snapped open, mouth agape in shock, "Wait… what?"

"I'm happy you found someone."

 _And when did I get this good at lying?_

She cocked her head to the side, struggling to find the proper words, "I don't…"

"Honestly, Elsa, did you think I'd see you any differently? This is great news!" I forced myself to smile, finding it difficult to hide the heartbreak. I made it even worse for myself by indulging.

"Tell me all about her, what's she like?"

It hurt so much, but seeing her get all powdery with that gorgeous smile made it a bit more bearable. She started to tear up until the waterworks came falling, getting me all emotional too.

Before I knew it, she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and buried her face in the crook of my neck. I wasn't expecting such a tight grip, taking a second longer to reciprocate and soothe while she hiccupped. We stayed that way for a while, and I got so lost in the feeling of it.

 _This is what friends are supposed to do, right? Her happiness should come first._

"T-Thank you so much, Anna…"

 _Her happiness comes first..._

* * *

I kept telling myself the same thing over again. Even when I started avoiding her, figuring it'd be easier for both of us if I'd just stay out of the way. Time at their house was mostly spent with Kristoff. Elsa would tag along on whatever we did for the day while I steered clear from any alone time with her.

Sleepovers led to me sleeping on the couch instead of sharing Elsa's bed, by my choice. I knew what I was doing and so did she. Elsa's a clever girl, she noticed my distance and our strained conversations. It was forcing a wedge in our friendship I didn't really want to feel. There were times I almost forgot why I had started pushing myself away, and then she'd get a phone call from someone in New York. That was always my friendly little reminder.

It was a particularly stormy night outside and I was taking refuge on their sofa again. The winds pushed around the shutters while the cool rain made snowy mush over everything. Overall the noise was peaceful and I didn't even hear Elsa coming down the steps. I had just assumed everyone was asleep already so when she cleared her throat by the steps behind me, I yelped.

"I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

She shuffled her feet in her slippers, wearing a pair of sweats that were way too big on her. I noticed the double knot the drawstring and figured they were probably Kristoff's. She wore her graduation sweater to top it off and-

And I'm staring again. I hadn't even responded yet.

She coughed awkwardly, "Um… were you going to sleep?"

Anyone tucked under three blankets would be ready for bed, but after the way I've been treating her I figured I'd throw her a bone. Sitting up, I patted the open cushion next to me, "Nope, what's up?"

Even in the dark, her figure relaxed at the invitation. She plopped next to me as I reached for the lamp on the side table, clicking it on. The warm glow reflected her cheeks as she gave me a small smile, timid and hopeful. "I was wondering… would you be up for a movie night?"

I was ready with a list of excuses until she pulled the DVD she was hiding behind her back. It took me a minute to recognize it, the bold red letters and faux antique sleeve. Of course it would be this movie. _Moulin Rouge_. She chose my favorite movie, knowing I couldn't say no. So clever.

She shook the movie in my face tauntingly, "C'mon, you know you want toooo…"

I sighed and snatched the case in defeat, "Alright alright, but don't get upset when I start to sing along again."

She beamed at me while I tried to avoid that look, busying myself with the television. For some reason I tried not to smile, it felt like I couldn't let her know how much I enjoyed her company anymore. As if, I wasn't allowed that privilege.

The movie started, keeping the volume at a decent level while the rest of the house slept. Just like the first night she came home, we were nestled on the couch in our respective corners, bundled in fuzzy blankets. It was really nice, and for a minute, I could ignore that she'd be going back in a few days, that she has a special person waiting for her.

It seemed like the times in high school together and I felt incredibly nostalgic.

The scene on the screen was dimmed when leading lady, Satine, belted out her ballad and I couldn't help but think how much Satine reminded me of Elsa. Someone trapped, wanting to fly away and change for the better. I started to understand hopeless romantics, wondering if I was Christian, her suffering lover, in the story… and the Duke waited in New York. Maybe it was the other way around. Either way, I was emotionally fucked.

My eyelids grew heavy, weighing me down as I swayed and leaned on my side in defeat. The last thing I remember feeling was a shift in the sofa and Elsa humming along to Satine's melody.

* * *

A streak of sunlight streamed from the curtain, the filtering light warming my face as I tried to bury my eyes into the blanket. There was a deep inhale beneath me and shaking my sleep as I stretched my limbs, tickling another pair of ankles with my calves.

 _What?_

I finally opened my eyes, pushing myself up on my elbows. Blinking into focus, I looked up to find Elsa still very much asleep. _Well… this is awkward…_

At least I was, being the one that ended up on top of her as I tried to crawl off without waking her. But I failed and only managed to slide off a few inches when she woke up, "Anna… what're you doing?" Her voice was coarse as she looked down in confusion.

It honestly looked pretty bad, considering I was hovering over her and blushing furiously, "N-Nothing! Just trying to g-get up!" My leg caught on the blanket as I jumped from the sofa too fast, flailing to the floor, "Woa- uff!"

 _Kill me now._

Elsa snorted, covering her mouth as she giggled from the sofa, "Are you okay?"

I rolled on my back to look up at her, "Yea, the floor looked comfy so here I am." I patted the spot next to me, "Come on down, the hardwood's fine."

She responded with a sleepy smile, poking my nose playfully, "I think I'll pass."

"You're missing out," I draped an arm around my eyes, shrugging my shoulders.

It was peaceful, until she flicked my nose.

"Hey!"

I sat up abruptly, tugging on her wrist, "That's it!"

She squeaked, flipping onto the floor with a groan. I couldn't help but laugh at the look on her face, grabbing my sides for support. "Y-You should've- Ahahaa! You should've seen your f-face!" My cheeks were burning and the back of my jaw was sore. I tried covering my face, but it was too late, giving out a snort.

My eyes widened for a moment, looking embarrassed until we both bursted out laughing. It lasted for a good while, dying out into giggle fits. We wiped our eyes, taking in the quiet morning as we calmed down. After a few minutes, she hummed thoughtfully, holding herself up on her elbows, "Hey, Anna, I've been meaning to ask… are you okay? You've been... avoiding me."

The smile on my face dropped when my eyes found hers, looking hurt. I opened my mouth to speak but I couldn't put words together, my throat tightened with guilt creeping up my neck.

"C'mon, Anna, you can talk to me, remember?"

The corners of my eyes pricked at the truth in her words. I could talk to her, I could've talked to her the entire stay here but I chose to push her away. The tightness in my throat moved to my chest as I forced my self to look down, "…I-I… look there's something _private_ I also need to tell you…"

She nodded, encouraging me to continue.

I swallowed hard, "Elsa… I-"

Her phone started to ring and she bit her lip at the interruption. She grabbed it from the side table, hitting ignore after checking the name with a sigh.

I rose a brow, "You're not gonna answer that?"

"This is more important."

My cheeks burned for a different reason this time. _C'mon, Anna, you can do this_.

I cleared my throat, taking a deep breath until her phone cut into our conversation again. She looked really annoyed now, getting ready to ignore the call until I stopped her. "No, it's fine."

 _This was a mistake…_

I untangled myself from the blanket with a sigh, "Just take the call, we can talk later…"

"Anna, wait!"

Ignoring her protests, I got up and headed for the bathroom, ready to drown my feelings in a long bath.

The steam helped me relax, giving me time to think about one too many things. When my toes felt wrinkly, I stepped out as my mind raced on. Wrapping my hair in a towel, I faced the foggy mirror and swiped a hand over it, my reflection becoming clear for just a minute until the steam fogged it up again. I leaned over the counter and groaned. _I almost told her… I'm such an idiot. I should've just said it._

The echo of foot steps against the cold hardwood floor passed by me and the sound of Elsa's voice was another step back into reality. "We can talk about this when I get back. I'm on vacation right now." She was _still_ on the phone; it had been thirty minutes already. She sounded distressed too, But it wasn't much of my business.

"Yea… I… love you too..."

 _Wait, what?_

My head snapped to the door, brows furrowing in confusion and shock. Love. _Love? Did she really just say that so easily?_

Elsa couldn't have really meant it, right? It took me some time to stay calm; after all, this was something out of context. It could have been anyone. Right? She didn't even sound so sure, it probably was a big misunderstanding. So why was I shaking?

I didn't really think jealousy could feel so intense, but it did. It also made me do rash things, as if I needed extra help making rash decisions in my life. Ripping the towel from my head, I quickly got dressed and fled from the washroom, praying Elsa wouldn't find me. I just wasn't in the mood to see her at all. That was when I bumped into Kristoff by the stairs, "Uff- Whoa, slow down, An-" and kissed him hard.

I was angry, hurt, and jealous so I didn't think too much about it... even when Elsa walked in on it.

* * *

A/N: My hand slipped. Hope you enjoyed it.

A warm thanks to all the support and reviews. See you all next time.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

…

It's hard to say why I kissed him. I'd like to think I had good reasons, but the reality is I made a stupid decision and I couldn't take it back. It felt sloppy, not what I hoped my first kiss would be like.

He wasn't very responsive at first, more in shock than anything. His hands slowly circled my waist once he came around. It wasn't all too bad, but I knew it was still a mistake. I pulled back, casting my eyes to the floor.

" _This_ is what you needed to tell me?"

I jumped at the sound of her voice, whirling around to find none other than an upset Elsa.

"You hid this from me!?"

 _Shit._

Once again, I couldn't come up with a coherent sentence to explain anything. I looked up at Kristoff helplessly, not surprised when he just looked between his sister and I, just as confused.

"I-It's not what you think."

As if that wasn't the most cliché answer I could've given her.

She stormed off to her room without a second glance. I was ready to go after her when something tugged on my hand, "Anna, can we talk about this?"

Considering what just unfolded, Kristoff still looked pretty damn happy. It made a guilty feeling creep up my throat. If I had any doubts about Kristoff liking me, they were confirmed by the way he was looking at me. But it wasn't the right time for that kind of conversation with him.

"Can we do this later?"

He nodded, letting me go as I chased after his sister.

Of course, her door was locked when I got there. I knocked relentlessly, pleading for her to open up. I pressed my ear against the wood but couldn't hear a thing, not even the shuffle of feet.

"Elsa, look I'm sorry. I… I'm not even sure what I'm doing anymore." I turned around and pressed my back to the door, letting my shoulders knock up against it. I slid down to the floor, running a hand through my wet hair as I sighed.

"I don't even know why I did it but… Elsa, please just talk to me, the last thing I wanted was to upset you."

The door finally swung open and I landed on my back in surprise. I was suddenly looking up at those baby blues, eyes glossy and narrowed in scrutiny. She searched my face and I couldn't move, not when she looked at me like that.

She parted her lips, the bottom quivered before she licked them and spoke softly, "I'm more hurt than upset, Anna, after what I shared with you I didn't think we'd have secrets between us... especially not this."

I didn't make a move to get up, me being too afraid to even breathe. She decided to join me instead, sitting with her legs crossed while I laid flat between the door frames. We were probably an odd sight, but I'd take this setting compared to a silent door in my face any day. She sighed and started playing with my hair splayed around me.

"Alright, Anna, I'm listening."

I chewed on the inside of my cheek and took a deep breath, "I'm really not sure how to word this better, it just _happened_. I don't know why I did it, but… I don't know, Elsa."

She was just playing with my hair and it felt nice so I closed my eyes and accepted the silence as a good sign. At least she wasn't screaming at me anymore.

"Do you like him?"

I looked back up to gauge her expression. She was trying to stay calm, taking deep breaths and repeating her hand motions through my hair. I didn't bother over thinking it, I still had to come up with a plausible answer.

She asked me again, changing her words, "Do you want to date him?"

 _What do you want me to tell you? I kissed him in a fit because I actually like you more than you know…_

 _"_ I care about him and I know he likes me, maybe it wouldn't be such bad idea…" _It'll help me get over you. I probably could really like him if you just wasn't in the picture._

She nodded her head, but didn't seem convinced. I wasn't even convinced with myself. Elsa didn't question my hesitation though, seeming like she wanted to be done with the conversation more than I did.

From the corner of my eye, her phone had lit up with a text message. I didn't have to read it to know who had sent it.

I bit my lip, thinking about Elsa's phone call earlier, "Do... Do you really love her?"

She knew what I was talking about. Her eyes had widened, "You eavesdropped?"

"Overheard."

She sighed, "I... No, Anna, I don't."

"Then-"

"Why did I say it...? I just panicked, so I said it back but I didn't mean it. I'm scared, it's... my first real relationship and I don't know if it's going so well already."

I reached up, holding her hands as she stared at me, "You're wonderful, Elsa. You have nothing to be scared of. You say it when you're ready and if she doesn't understand that then you move on to the next."

She gave me a small smile, slowly growing wider the longer we stared at each other, "Thanks, Anna... I'm sorry about earlier, if you want to date Kristoff... then I'm okay with that. Just... don't shut me out."

I nodded, letting her believe what she wanted to believe. Our friendship was already teetering and I was latching onto Kristoff in the process. It made sense, since he was the one who stayed.

With time and distance I can just be her friend and stop pining over her, make it easier for everyone. I ignored the knot in my belly urging me what a mistake it all was, I had time to fix it but I never did. My problem was that I gave up on her before ever really trying.

We were falling apart by the seams with no control. And I was an idiot for thinking my mistakes would just disappear.

* * *

I was right about one thing, it did get easier.

I had stopped trying to ignore her because I didn't need to. She had fallen out of contact with me instead, whether she was too busy with her studies or just refused to talk to me, I wasn't sure. Her postcards were less frequent throughout the months that fell into years and I never bothered questioning her on it. We all just grew up, that's what I told myself. What was there left to say?

Time with Kristoff made the healing process easier and we had gotten into something more serious, something distracting. He became my rock when Elsa disappeared.

I only heard about her from the Knowles' and once in a while she'd grace us with her presence with awkward dinners. She'd usually come back for the holidays every year, but she was hard to catch. Then she just stopped showing up, becoming a stranger to me.

She avoided us.

We weren't too bothered by it, at least, Kristoff wasn't. I just forced myself to forget. I strived to erase that part of my life so I can kiss my boyfriend without the thought of her.

It took me months to neglect my feelings for her and focus my attention on him.

I never thought I had to _learn_ to love someone, always imagining it would just happen on its own. I had myself to blame… or thank, if I looked back on a good day.

On a bad day, I'd have a bottle of wine with a long bath.

I wasn't exactly sure how I was supposed to feel about Elsa anymore. At first, I was disappointed in her and all the broken promises she'd left me with in Chicago.

 _I'll write to you every month. Yeah, sure._

I busied myself with school when I wasn't distracted by Kristoff. Art became a big deal for me, not just doodles in math class. Art Institute of Chicago was my first step, working my way up to a degree in Sculpture.

It's really funny, I can't go through a day without tripping at least once. But if you give me a chisel set and some porcelain, you won't find a single crack or bump on the surface. It's weird.

It took me a while to figure out my medium. I played with paint, all kinds of paint; acrylic, oil, gouache, etc. Nothing really got my attention like sculpture did.

There was something about it, the idea of changing a solid block into anything. It could be something that defied gravity if I wanted a piece that could hang. And it didn't just have to be clay. The point is, there are really no limits with sculpture.

It explains why I'm usually the last straggler to clean up when class had long ended already… on my birthday.

Wiping down my tools, I swaddled them up and the tucked 'em in the corner of my bag. Grabbing my phone, I finally turned on the sound and wasn't surprised to find several missed calls from Kristoff and a few text messages; some from classmates, one from Mr. and Mrs. Knowles each, and one from dad who still hadn't figured out how to text yet.

 _Happy bday luv u lots. Dad._

I chuckled at his horribly written message and saved him the trouble by just calling him. It rang twice before he picked up in his chipper tone, "Happy Birthday!"

I smiled against my phone, holding it up with my shoulder while I finished packing up.

"Thank you, Papa. What're you up to?"

"I'm picking up your cake from the bakery."

I gasped in excitement, "I can't wait!" Evidently, knocking down a jar as it clanked on the floor. _Shit._ It wasn't even sealed as it splattered on a nearby chair.

I could hear my dad chuckle on the other line, "Are you still in class? I thought it ended an hour ago."

I blanched, "Um, I'm leaving now… well I _was_ but now I have to clean something up. Can I call you later?"

"Sure thing."

We ended the call and I stuffed my phone in my pocket. Last thing I needed was getting clay stuck up the speakers again. Wetting a few towels, I picked up the clumps and managed to make the space decent again. I mean, an art studio will never be perfectly clean, which is probably why I feel more comfortable with my mistakes here than anywhere else.

A loud creak came from one of the double doors while I washed my hands, "Babe, are you here?"

Of course he'd come find me. I smiled at the thought, looking over my shoulder, "Yea, I'm here."

Kristoff hugged me from behind as I lathered my hands, kissing the back of my head, "I've been calling you."

"I know, but I really wanted to get far with this one," I could hear him smirk as I reached for a paper towel.

"Can I see it?"

I laughed, "No, she's indecent."

"You always say that."

I spun in his arms to give him a kiss, "For good reasons."

We got better at it, kissing that is. They grew sweet instead of sloppy or rushed.

His hands slid down my arms as he chuckled, "Yeah, Yeah, because they're nude models."

"Exactly, let's get going."

Taking a hold of his hand, I pulled him towards the exit while he slung my bag over his shoulder with one arm.

We took our time getting to his truck, enjoying the crisp air autumn coming around the corner. I pulled out my phone again to reply to a few texts, going through social media while I was at it. Yet, something was nagging me in the back of my mind as I kept swiping up.

Elsa hadn't sent a text. She hadn't called.

I mean, she hadn't done it in years… but, I couldn't help but still wonder each time.

Kristoff caught my sighing, "What's wrong?"

I didn't say anything for a while, rubbing my thumb over his hand. He stayed quiet, knowing fully well by now that I'd start talking soon.

"… I just don't get it."

He raised a brow, giving me a side glance, "What don't you get?"

"I don't know what I did wrong. What did I do to push her away? We were fine."

He hummed in understanding, scratching the scruff on his chin in thought.

"I'm not sure, Anna. She kind of just started doing her own thing in New York, you know?"

I brought up his arm to wrap around my shoulder in comfort, circling my arm around his waist as we neared the parking lot. "Do you think she's still mad at me for whatever reason?"

"I don't see why, the only time I remember her being upset with you was a very long time ago. From what you told me, you guys had talked it out somewhat, right?"

I nodded, leaning my head on his chest as he kissed the top of my head.

"Don't over think it, babe, she's just focusing on her life right now. She'll come around eventually… and if she doesn't, well, you still have me."

I squeezed his waist in response, "Thanks, Kris."

* * *

The drive back home was short, pulling up to the familiar gravel driveway and seeing Kristoff's mom already home. A minute later, my dad's car showed up next door and I hopped out of the truck to help him with the cake.

"Hey, Papa," I gave him a kiss on the cheek as he tried to give me a half hearted hug without dropping the cake.

I grabbed it from his arms before it could flip.

"Sorry, sweetie, you got your clumsy nature from me."

I grinned, "I thought I was adopted?"

"Damn, I was gonna wait to tell you," he winked at me as we both laughed at our joke, the crinkles next to his eyes becoming more prominent throughout the years.

"Hey, Allen, you almost beat us here," Kristoff swapped the cake out of my hands and gave me my purse. Somehow, he managed to shake my dad's hand in the process too.

"I could've carried it," I pouted.

He kissed my nose while I tried to push him away, "Better play it safe, babe, I want to actually eat the cake this year."

I blushed, "Last year was an accident."

"Sure it was."

Mrs. Knowles was already getting started on dinner, mentioning Mr. Knowles arriving a bit later thanks to a pushed back meeting. I didn't mind waiting. We made ourselves comfortable, chatting in the living room and munching on cheese cubs in the meantime. I heard the click of the front door locks while Kristoff immersed everyone in one of his stories. No one else seemed to have heard anything so I was the first one up on my feet, rushing to the front door to tease Mr. Knowles for being so late.

Then I stopped in my tracks.

My god she looked fucking stunning. Her wispy bangs brushed back as her hair fell loosely around her shoulders. It was probably the first time I'd seen her hair down. She had on heels, black pumps to match her sleek pants and defining her legs. Her fitting blouse complimented her eyes as they locked onto me. Those baby blues...

"E-Elsa."

She didn't even bat an eyelash, thick mascara giving a dark shadow over her eyelids, "Anna."

This was honestly the last thing I expected. But she was standing there, looking so _different_ … in a good way. She had grown up. I think this was the first time we were alone in a room together in the last five years.

She stood tall and confident, shoulders pulled back with poise that would put anyone to shame. The time felt limitless until I saw her lips curl up… and it felt incredibly _genuine_.

"Happy Birthday."

I laughed nervously, my hands clammy as I rubbed the back of my neck meekly, "Thank you."

The confident façade she wore weakened as she looked down and bit her lip. _There she is, the girl I_ _remember_. She fiddled with a box in her hand, hidden under her coat, and looked back up. She took a deep breath and walked towards me, her heels echoing on the marble.

"Here, I got you something…"

I still couldn't believe it just yet, taking too long to register what she had said, "Hm? Oh! You didn't have to."

"I wanted to."

She spoke softly, the moment itself feeling delicate. I felt that lost connection trying to rekindle itself with shy smiles and kind words, struggling to mend. I took the box gingerly, smoothing my hand over the simple brown wrapping and green bow.

My favorite color. She remembered.

I dared a chance to look up into her eyes again, "Thank you... again."

She smiled with rosy cheeks, looking down at me with something tender hidden beneath. I wanted to open it, to pull that ribbon and find something special. I also wanted to savor this, so I held myself back.

She held her hands together and tilted her head, "You're not going to open it?"

I smiled in response, shaking my head as I searched those shades of blue for something. Anything. A reason for the last five years, an answer as to what I did wrong. What I found instead was pain and longing. Something I could relate to, a horrible combination that I understood so well.

My smile faltered.

"I miss you," it came out on its own without a second thought. A whisper that felt like a crash in my eardrums and I couldn't help myself.

Her expression dropped for a second as her eyes wilted. She parted her lips to speak when loud chatter had moved from the living room towards us.

"Elsa!"

Kristoff went over to hug his sister, as if time hadn't separated them. And just like that, Elsa's façade came right back up. It was all tight smiles and awkward hugs from there, taking the beer Kristoff offered as if she were forced.

She didn't make eye contact with me again. She did everything to keep herself busy, in fact. Rolling up the sleeves on her blouse as she helped her mother set the table.

For the first time in five years dinner wasn't too horrible between all of us. Then it was time for the cake.

I wished for the same thing every year, so this year wasn't any different: to live a happy life. Short, sweet, and to the point. But once I blew out the candles, I regretted it.

I didn't want _just_ a happy life... I wanted it with the person I love. I glanced up and found her gaze, smoke from the candles dancing between us.

I knew I still wasn't over her. I was an idiot for even trying. _I think I might love you, Elsa Knowles._

* * *

A/N: This happened because I called out of work and alcohol. I've been getting a few questions as to why there's Kristanna or if it's going to actually be an Elsanna story at some point. Yea, it's still very much an Elsanna story but I have to build it up.

Anyways, thanks for the support babes. It motivates me like cosmic brownies.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

…

Kristoff was laying flat on his belly, the comforter covering half his body as I pried my arm off his naked torso. Him being a heavy sleeper, it wasn't hard to slip down from my bed without waking him. With a slight creak, I tiptoed around my room to grab some sweats and an over-sized shirt from the floor. It was probably Kristoff's considering the dash of cologne still on it.

I walked over to my dresser, opening up the bottom drawer and reaching for a pack of cigarettes hidden in the back. I quickly stuffed it in my pocket, double checking to be sure Kristoff was still asleep.

The door made a light squeak as I quickly opened it and passed through, shutting it softly behind me with practiced ease. My feet padded along the hardwood floor as I passed by the living room, finding my purse there along with my lighter.

I fiddled with the alarm, turning it off and grabbing shoes on the way out as quietly as I could. I just needed to get out. I needed something less confining.

The air outside was crisp and I was grateful to have at least my boots on. I walked out from the porch and onto the sidewalk, slowly making my way to the set of trees that divided my house from the Knowles. My back bumped against the oak as I leaned on it, smacking the cigarette box lightly against my open palm. I pulled out one of neatly packaged cigs as if they were rows of chocolates ready to pick.

Letting it sit between my teeth, I covered the end with one hand and lit it with the other. With a simple puff, it caught flame. The burning sizzle calmed my nerves, the warmth of it tickling my hands in the cool night.

I took a deep inhale, listening to the hiss of burning nicotine and looked up at the sky. Most nights I wished light pollution didn't exist, but it does and I can't help but want to reach out and pluck every missing star.

To help them shine brighter. I don't know, some shitty metaphor, I guess.

The smoke billowed a few inches from my face and I kept thinking back to just a few hours ago, when I blew out my candles. That cloud of smoke that I caused standing between Elsa and I... What a great depiction of my life.

Scoffing at myself, I kicked up dirt and looked down at the rolling pebbles. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I should be happy and grateful, Kristoff should be enough. He's my best friend, he's my first everything and I love him. I do.

But everything always leads back to _her_.

I could see her expression in him sometimes, the way their eyes wilt and the smile they share. She somehow manages to come back, no matter how long or hard I try to get her out of my head… or the possibility of us.

I rolled the cigarette between my middle finger and thumb, tapping it gently to rid the ash. I didn't make it a habit to smoke, it was more of a stress reliever from time to time. But dear god, when I did, it made me feel unlimited. I pretended to be someone else for a short while, the part of me that wished I'd left Chicago for something better.

Then I heard a front door open and shut... I already knew who it was, coming out late at night for a cigarette just like me. That's why she had a lighter to light the candles earlier. For once, I didn't need to freak out or try to hide this part of me.

Elsa didn't approach at first, which gave me time to stare. Her hair mimicked my own, a messy bun so the scent of tobacco wouldn't get caught in our hair. She wore a thin tank top and pajama shorts, revealing her long legs. Her little slippers scuffed the driveway as she held a lone cigarette between her dainty fingers.

That's when she looked to me and smiled softly, like she was proud to know this dirty little secret of mine. She brought the cigarette up to her lips, holding it between that smile of hers. All while looking at me.

Using her lighter, she flicked the corner as it sparked to a flame. The shine in her eyes was intoxicating and I could feel the pit of my belly tingle at the sight. The orange glow defined her cheeks as she puffed, lips puckering against the stick to take in the rough nicotine. The way she was watching me was unsettling, lush even.

 _What's up with that look?_

She took that first breath with ease, blowing it to the side and crossing her arms over her stomach like she always used to. Some habits never die out.

I took a long drag as she shuffled closer, "May I join you?"

Nodding to the space beside me, I watched her plop next to my feet. She didn't seem to mind the dirt, leaning back against the tree with a sigh. I slid down the bark, ignoring how coarse it felt through my shirt, and sat beside her.

We stayed like that for a while. It was quiet. The silence was comforting for once, but the tension between us still lingered. I could feel it, like a subtle vibration between our bodies.

"When did you start smoking?"

Her voice was so smooth, passing over the silence with ease. She didn't seem upset about it, just curious. So was I.

"When did you?"

I could hear her smile, as she bumped her shoulder against mine playfully, "I asked you first."

My lips curved into a quirky smirk, trying not to smile back and looking down at my boots shyly.

"First year of college. No one really knows… it's more of a rare moment kind of thing."

She hummed thoughtfully, taking another short drag. I gazed up at her, "Your turn."

"Two years after moving to New York, I don't really care who knows, it helps when things get tense." She looked down with a soft smile and tired eyes, it was agitating. She was looking at me with this fondness, like we were on the same page. But we weren't.

I always fell one page behind in the same chapter and it was so fucking agitating…

"Does that happen a lot for you?"

"It's just sucks being responsible for so much, you know?"

It was quiet again and my cigarette was nearing the end of the line as I flicked away excess ash. Her cigarette was nearly there too, acting as our timer.

Always on a timer.

She sighed deeply, clicking her tongue, "I gave him that shirt."

My shoulders tensed up and I nearly burned my finger, dropping the bud near my boot. A bile feeling formed in the chest as I wrapped my arms around my knees in comfort. She kept going.

"It was for his birthday and I wasn't sure what to get him, so I stopped by the mall."

I started mauling my bottom lip, feeling uneasy.

"I was so lost there, I don't often go shopping for men so I just picked up the first shirt I saw and bought it. I didn't really care if he liked the design or anything, I just needed to get something to send to him."

It wouldn't go away. The more she talked about it the worse I felt, clutching to my sweats. I kept staring at my dying cigarette bud, the little glow flickering slowly.

"The whole thing felt pretty half-assed, I didn't bother putting in the effort like a normal sister would. To consider what he'd really like or ask him. I don't even really know what he likes anymore."

 _Why are you telling me this?_

"Yet, here you are wearing it so I'm assuming he likes it and wears it. He eats it up. The things I give him are precious when they mean nothing from me." She hugged her knees too, resting her head and slipping her eyes shut.

"Anna… I'm a horrible sister."

My head snapped up, "Why do you say that?"

Her lashes fluttered as she opened her eyes, not really looking at me but at the shirt. Her eyes traced my body, the curve of my face, and finally my eyes. The way she regarded me pulled at my heartstrings.

"Because, Anna… I'm finding it harder to care," it came out as a whisper. She was almost too scared to say it aloud, that would make it too real. But she did and it was out there.

I understood. Deep down, despite everything he and I have been through, there's a part of me that finds it harder each day. The conversation was getting dangerous. I knew I would be the next to confess something I shouldn't and fuck it all up, so I kept my mouth shut. For once, I listened instead.

"I'm selfish. I shut him out. I pretend we weren't close growing up, like he isn't the best brother in the world. He calls me so damn often too, you know what I do? I let it go to voicemail most of the time because I'm scared of not knowing what to say... I don't know him anymore and the worst part in all this is _I don't mind_."

The air was getting thin, at least to me it was and my breathing felt labored.

"I don't give a shit. I let that phone ring, I ignore his texts, and I send him random things from time to time because I'm obligated to. He's my brother so there are certain things I _have_ to do. I shouldn't be his sister, I don't even know how to act like one. He deserves better… at least he's got you though."

That's when the tears fell from my face. _Are you kidding?_ He deserves so much better than me. I felt disgusted with myself. I wiped my eyes, feeling sloppy as I tried to dry my face on my shirt.

 _His_ shirt.

She was tearing up too, taking one last drag before flicking it away. I couldn't stay quiet for long and I wanted to drastically change the subject, away from Kristoff. "Why are you here, Elsa?"

I persisted, "Why now after all this time?"

She chuckled almost sarcastically, composing herself as she rubbed her eyes.

She stood, wiping her shorts down and offering me a hand, "We should get back to bed, I'm sure Kristoff's waiting for you." That one felt like an intentional blow, I guess I deserved it in my own way.

I took her hand, letting her pull me up. I tried not to think about how satisfying my hand felt in hers. My knees fell weak for a minute so I leaned back on the oak, letting them get a good stretch. God forbid I fell on her instead.

She took a deep breath, raking a shaky hand through her bangs, "I don't know why I'm here, Anna. See you tomorrow."

"… Goodnight, I guess."

I kicked my boots in the dirt, eyes focused on our burnt out cigarette buds while she went inside. We were out of time and I'll never know when we'll have it again.

* * *

"Kristoff, where are you taking me?"

I rolled down the window of his truck, letting the wind play with my hair. Not really caring that I'd just done it. He'd been pretty quiet the whole day, telling me to shower and dress up without any details. I'm usually all up for surprises, but this one was bothering me.

When he said formal, I didn't realize how _formal_ he was going for until he came knocking on my door in a suit. I don't do well in classy places, so that already raised a big red flag for me. His knee was bouncing while he focused on the road, his hands gripping the steering wheel a little tighter than usual.

His nervous tick was churning my stomach so I reached for his hand. He visibly relaxed at the contact, holding my hand in return and giving me a grin, "I told you, baby, it's a surprise. Don't worry."

 _Too late, I'm worried._

Rolling my eyes, I scoffed and went back to watching streetlamps blur past us. He chuckled and kissed my hand, but that didn't stop my pouting. Just when I was getting ready to ask him again, it finally looked like we were nearing a destination.

He pulled up to an opening, parking along the curb. I was halfway opening the door when he held it out for me like the proper gent he was trying to be.

 _Something's definitely up._

I took his arm and he led me down the sidewalk. The moon illuminated the dull grey concrete as I looked to the cracks, letting him take me blindly. My short heels clicked in time with his oxfords, enjoying how in sync we became. Kristoff and I have always been that way, on the same page. He was easier to keep up with.

The sound of a sax tickled my ears and I perked up. It was harmonized with a piano and I nearly swooned. I've loved jazz all my life, at any time of the day. I love the blues even more and that's what was drawing my attention so effortlessly.

Letting go of his arm, I walked up a few feet ahead and hovered around the inviting doors of Tiana's Place. Looking through the glass, I was surprised to see it so empty aside from the few musicians up on a dim lit stage.

I'd heard of this place before, opening up a few years ago and starting small. I never went out this far, so I didn't get the chance to stop by. The environment itself was so relaxing and welcoming, drawing attention everywhere. Soon it became one of those really expensive restaurants you'd have to book months in advance.

Kristoff walked up behind me, "Go inside."

"They look closed," looking back at him in confusion.

He kissed me swiftly before swinging the door open, "Oh, they are... but not for us."

My jaw dropped as I realized the surprise. Not only did he get a reservation, he _bought_ out the restaurant for the night. That in itself was amazing. He probably saved months for this. He laughed at my expression and I didn't blame him, I probably looked ridiculous.

Patting my backside lightly, he ushered me in, "Go on." Letting him slide with that, I looked around with wide eyes.

The first thing I noticed was the ceiling. They had light fixtures of glass blown lily pads, all different and originally crafted. Some had lotus flowers and some were smaller clusters of green with tiny swivels hanging down. The colors reflecting over the restaurant illuminated faint blues and yellows, a shade of green here and there. I was already in awe just from the lamps.

The stage gave off a gold hue as the band went through tempos, warming up and setting everything just right. The glow from behind highlighted their silhouettes, the dramatic lighting almost seducing in its own way. I couldn't help but admire the floor too, the dark blue marble slabs cut and designed to mimic a river or creek all leading to the stage.

Dining tables were set all around the band, some hidden booths tucked to the sides for privacy. Lace cloth lined over each deep mahogany table, four chairs along with a lone white lily in a clear bottle for simple effect. It nearly took me back to the 1920's and I reveled in it.

The faint scent of honey came from the back of the kitchens just as someone came from the double doors to greet us. "Well, you two look positively charming." A woman appeared from the back, wiping down her blouse as she approached us.

She stuck out her hand for me to take, "Hey there, hun. I'm Tiana, owner of this restaurant and your personal chef for the night." I took it eagerly, "It's a pleasure to meet you, and this place… it's amazing!"

She smiled, her dimples becoming more prominent, "Thank you, darlin', it's our pleasure to have you."

In that moment, another gentleman dressed more casually, joined us, "Ah, welcome my friends. I hope Tiana isn't causing any trouble."

She waved a hand at him, "And this is my husband, Naveen, your narcissistic waiter for the night."

"I can't help being gorgeous," she smacked his arm, "I'll never beat you though, _my Evangeline_."

Those few moments with them was all I needed. I already loved them, watching the way they'd playfully banter. Naveen slung an arm around Tiana, looking back to us, "So, where's the rest of your party? They are coming, no?"

 _The rest?_

Kristoff piped up, "They should be arriving soon."

"No problem, just pick a table and make yourselves at home. Louis should be finishing his warm-ups soon, pick up the swing of things."

I smiled politely at them, watching them go back to the kitchen before I spun around to Kristoff. "What did he mean?"

"Picking a table?"

"No. Who else is coming?"

He checked his cell in that moment to see if he had any missed calls, "Oh, I invited my parents, your father-"

 _God, don't say it._

"-And Elsa."

I nodded as cheerfully as I could, trying to make it seem like that last bit didn't throw me off. No, I won't let that bother me. "Oh! That's nice of you," I feigned a smile, secretly wishing this night could have been just about Kristoff and I.

"Seriously though, what's all this for?"

He didn't say anything, mutely pulling out a chair for me to sit, throwing me a wink while he was at it. I smiled, shaking my head and giving in to his request. We chose the closest table to the stage and Naveen brought us some menus for the time being.

It didn't take too long for Kristoff's parents to show up, admiring the place as much as I did when they first walked in. By then, we had a few appetizers and some drinks while we waited for everyone else to have dinner. It was getting pretty late and I couldn't help but wonder where my dad was. Then it started to rain. Of course, you can't have jazz without stormy weather.

That's when Elsa made her appearance, drenched in her long black coat with her hair messily pinned up.

Even looking like a soaked cat, she was beautiful to me.

Her eyes flickered to me for a moment and my breath caught in my throat. I don't think I'd ever seen so much pain in those baby blues before. And just like that, she put her walls back up. Hanging her coat on the nearest rack, she made her way to us and decided to sit with her parents, "Sorry I took so long. Traffic."

No one bothered to question her.

I started to call my dad but all I got were voicemails, even Kristoff tried calling him. Naveen kept checking up on us and at one point I felt bad for making everyone wait, so we went ahead and ordered our food. I didn't think my dad would mind, I assumed he was held up at work.

Well into our meal, I noticed Elsa hadn't really touched hers. I tried to meet her eyes again but she refused, choosing instead to focus on the music. My stomach was feeling uneasy again so I excused myself to the washroom. I needed a minute.

It was small, only three stalls for a quaint restaurant. I went straight to the sink and splashed water on my face, taking deep breaths. "I love him. I love him. I love Kristoff and he loves me." I kept repeating the mantra but no matter how much I repeated it, my head was screaming another.

 _But I'm in love with her. I… Oh my god… I'm in love with her._

Dear God, what the fuck was I even doing anymore? I didn't deserve any of it. I looked at myself in the mirror and barely recognized the person staring back. It was wrong and I couldn't keep up anymore.

I wasn't sure how long I was in the bathroom for, but I didn't want anyone looking for me like this. I cleaned myself up, drying off and double checking myself in the mirror before stepping back out. The jazz beat had slowed and Mr. Knowles had taken Elsa out on the small dance floor. It was a cute sight, not one I had ever seen before.

I didn't even think Elsa could dance. She always found a way to surprise me, moving elegantly as she leaned her head on her father's shoulder. I got closer to Kristoff and I could already see it in his eyes that he wanted to do the same. He stood, hand outstretched with the sweetest grin that made me want to scream inside.

"May I have this dance?"

I couldn't say no. I couldn't say yes. So he took my silence as a good sign and we started swaying. Why couldn't things be black and white? Why couldn't it be easier?

I held him close as he stood tall, one hand in his and the other on his shoulder. I watched Elsa and her father from afar. They slowly turned and suddenly Elsa's eyes were on me again… she was crying. Tears lined her porcelain skin and my heart broke at the sight.

I wanted to comfort her without ruining that moment with her father. They didn't have a lot of them. She buried her face in his neck and I felt as if she couldn't even look at me anymore, so I dropped it reluctantly.

Kristoff kissed my cheek and shifted to whisper in my ear, "You know I love you, right?"

I swallowed hard and nodded, closing my eyes so I didn't have to see Elsa that way. How selfish of me.

"So much, Anna… I want to take care of you as long as I can."

I inhaled sharply at his words and started to shake. Oh no.

"I need to ask you something, I've been wanting to for a long time already."

I took another shaky breath as he pulled back to search my face. He must've seen the fear. There was no way he couldn't have because I was terrified. Caressing my cheek, he kissed me on the lips longingly and got down on one knee.

 _No._

"Anna Porter…"

He held fast to one of my hands while reaching for something in his pocket. I knew what he was reaching for and I couldn't stop how badly I was shaking. Pulling out a little blue velvet box, he popped it open and there it was. A ring. A damn engagement ring staring at me in the face.

"Will you marry me?"

I couldn't breath. I could hear Mrs. Knowles gasp in the back and I was sure all eyes were on me. I brought up a hand to my mouth and I couldn't control my breathing. I didn't even realize I was crying until the drops fell to the floor. Usually when these things happen, people cry from happiness. That's not what this was.

"Baby?"

I looked to him and I wasn't sure what to tell him anymore. Yes? No? I'm in love with your sister?

 _I can't do this._

Then by some miracle of God, my cell phone rang and I was so fucking grateful I had it on me. Without a second thought, I checked the caller ID and saw my father's name pop up. I swiped to answer, "H-Hello?"

" _Hi, is this Allen's daughter, Anna Porter?"_

"Yes?"

" _I work with your father at the office. Listen… there's been an accident. Your father's in the hospital."_

* * *

A/N: Not sorry. We've already established the Kristanna part, so that should've been expected. Also, Adele got me with the feels. That's gonna reflect here a lot. Thanks for all the support guys! It's more than I expected.

Always love that feedback. Till next time.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

…

Harsh lights brightened the white walls of the hospital. The linoleum floors reflected my pacing figure, heels lightly clicking as I waited. God, I looked like a hot mess. It was still raining outside, the storm thickening as it thundered, shaking up the place.

I was shivering, instantly reminding me why I hated hospitals. I understood why they kept it so cold, I just couldn't stand it. I prefer warmth, the cozy tingly feeling that ran from my toes to my fingertips. No, hospitals are a void of that comfort. They're cold, they're harsh, and they're morbid.

Being surrounded by it already felt draining, eyelids growing heavier with each passing step. I was still trying to process everything, wanting to be alone while everyone hung around the waiting room.

" _Your father's been seeing us for quite some time."_

I couldn't stop pacing around the hall, his room wasn't far from me but I couldn't push myself to see him.

" _We hadn't figured out what the real diagnosis was until his most recent visit last week, right when his results came back from the lab."_

I'd felt so lied to, it was hard to believe my father would hide this from me. I wasn't sure if I could listen to him right now.

" _We found a tumor on the left side of his brain; this is what's been causing his headaches which have worsened. It's malignant, much more aggressive than a benign tumor and will continue to invade around the tissue unless treated."_

I stopped pacing, falling against the wall with my head in my hands.

" _It has gotten worse; the inflammation has affected his stability, and his vision. Eventually, it will get to his memory with the risk of seizures. We offered him surgery followed by chemotherapy, but he refused."_

I stared at the linoleum through my fingers, chest swelling as tears pricked the corners of my eyes. I took deep breaths but couldn't stop the sobs that demanded to be heard.

" _I'm not saying we can cure him, but it would give him more time. At this rate, he only has a few months to live without treatments."_

The doctor's words were drilled in my head, on repeat for hours. It was driving me up the wall until I finally crumpled to the floor and cried.

" _He hasn't woken up yet, when he does, perhaps you could talk to him about our suggestions. He won't listen to us, but he might listen to you."_

I was shaking, curling into myself to find the warmth I was stripped from. Drained from me the moment I passed through the sliding glass doors of the hospital.

He hid this from me and the realization hurt.

I couldn't think past the pounding in my chest, feeling startled when something brushed my shoulders. It was a coat, covering me as hands wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me up. I figured it was Kristoff coming to check up on me. Without a second thought, I whirled around and clutched to his body.

Except it wasn't him, at least, it didn't feel like his body flushed against mine. A gentle hand combed through my hair, scratching my scalp lightly as I sobbed into soft skin. By now, I figured it was Elsa. Her arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders while mine where snaked around her waist. She gave me the warmth I desired, the warmth I _needed_.

She kept me stable.

I buried my face deeper into her neck, her soft blonde strands tickling my nose. She made me feel like I could breathe again, giving me all the time I needed to calm down without forcing it. She wasn't even trying to hush me up, not caring whether others heard us or stopped to stare. She knew I needed to let this out.

Minutes had passed until my breathing slowly steadied, coming in deep inhales instead of sharp intakes. I pulled back, giving us space so I could clean myself up. Wiping under my eyes, I sniffled while she rubbed my arms up and down.

I blinked up at her, fiddling with a button on the coat she gave me, "T-Thank you, Els."

She smiled, eyes wilting like she couldn't stand seeing me so broken down. Her hands slid up my arms once more and cupped my face, caressing my cheeks with her thumbs. My fumbling stopped, finding the soft touch disorienting and putting my nervous tick to rest. Leaning my head into her hands, I slipped my eyes shut and sighed.

It felt so nice.

I could feel her eyes on me, watching the way I practically melted under her touch. I didn't have the will to care anymore.

Her hands moved down under my jaw, slightly lifting my head as I opened my eyes to look into hers. She sighed deeply, pursing her lips together to stop herself from frowning. I could see it from the way her eyebrows twitched.

Dropping her hands from my face, she adjusted the coat so that my arms could slip into the sleeves. She buttoned the front of her coat slowly, making sure I stayed warm even if she ended up feeling cold.

Once she was sure it was on properly, she breathed out, "Keep the coat," before walking away, her heels echoing.

I watched her leave, seeing her run a hand through her bangs and slick them back as she turned the corner. I felt paralyzed for a few minutes, staring at the space Elsa had just occupied with a heavy heart. It was just one mess after the other for me.

I didn't see myself catching a break anytime soon.

The door to my father's room opened behind me and his nurse approached me, scrawling on his clipboard all the while. He gave me a sweet smile, noting my swollen eyes, "He's awake now and asked for you. If he needs something, just push the button on the side of his bed to page me."

I nodded, wrapping my arms around myself and shuffling to my father's room. My stomach was slowly forming knots again with each step, getting closer to the wide door. I stared at the handle, taking a shaky breath before forcing myself to confront him.

I never thought I'd see him like that; Sitting on a thin hospital bed, wrapped in sheets with an IV tube connected to his arm. Monitors were beeping steadily, keeping tabs on his heart rate with each spike on the screen. He looked a little pale, his dark brown hair was messy, and he had bags under his eyes; nothing too serious aside from the wires on his chest.

It wasn't easy to take in.

I closed the door behind me and slowly walked up to the edge of the bed. My face was stoic as he smiled lazily at me, "Hey, sweetie."

The room felt tense and I didn't respond at first. I was upset with the fact that he lied. Upset that I suddenly don't have enough time with him. Upset that I had to see him like that so early in my life. _His life_. It just didn't seem fair, like it was all a sick fucking prank.

He continued, "They should really revoke my license, I couldn't even make it out of the parking lot without driving into a safety pole. Must be getting too old, huh?"

I wasn't having it; I didn't want to hear any jokes.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

His face dropped a bit, looking down at the sheets. "What do you want me to tell you, Anna?"

"A damn good reason for wanting to hide this forever," my eyes were getting misty again, trying to hold off on the tears for a bit.

He pressed his lips into a hard line, the creases on his forehead becoming more prominent, "No, Anna, I didn't think that I could keep this from you forever… I just didn't want to ruin your birthday."

"You think I care about that? Papa, they told me you've been seeing them for a while. Not once did you tell me about a doctor's visit, how long have you been coming here?"

"…"

I crossed my arms, swallowing hard, "Answer me."

He hesitated, eyes jumping from the pattern on his sheets to me.

"A few months, Anna," he relented with a sigh.

My chest started to swell and my heart clenched at his words. He's been going through this all on his own for months. He sat up a bit, "I didn't think it was that serious, I just figured it was stress from work… but it's a little more than that."

I scoffed at him, heavy drops threatening to fall from the corners of my eyes, "Oh, only a _little_?"

"Please, Anna… I don't want to fight about this."

I ignored his plea, "Why won't you go through with the surgery?"

"Because, it's not that simple," he was getting frustrated, taking a deep breath as the monitor beeped a tad quicker.

"Yes. It. Is."

He raised his voice at me for the first time in years, "No, Anna, it's not!"

"Why not?!"

My voice cracked and I threw my arms in the air, trying to wrap my head around the situation. If there was a possible way to help him then there shouldn't be any argument.

"Because you are the most important thing to me!" he was shouting now, leaning forward on the bed while his monitor worked double time.

We stared each other down, breathing heavily. God, we're so similar. Both of us being just as stubborn, it was ridiculous. The tears started to fall from my face and that's when his bravado dissipated. He took a deep breath, looking down and shaking his head. The monitor echoed in the room, slowing down again.

He spoke softly this time, "I will not let everything I worked for, all the money I saved, go to a surgery that may or may not work. It's all for you."

When he looked back up at me, with those soft eyes watering, I died a little inside. In a shaky voice, he slumped back in his bed, "It's my job to take care of you... no matter how old you get."

I sniffled, rubbing my nose, "… And who takes care of you?"

He cracked a sad smile, scooting to one side of his bed and patting the empty space he made. "Come here, sweetie."

A sob escaped my throat as I walked to his side and cuddled next to him, letting him cradle my head on his chest. "Listen to me, it's not that I haven't thought about this. I have, believe me."

I wrapped an arm around his waist and tightened my hold, "…but in the end it'll never be enough, and I'd rather spend the rest of my days spoiling you than having you deal with the consequences of my treatments. It would just make our short time miserable and that's not fair to you."

He kissed my head, rubbing my arm as I continued to cry, "I wish I could stick around, but I can't."

He took a deep breath, enjoying the silence for a few minutes before speaking up again, "I know about Kristoff's proposal… he came to me a few weeks ago and asked first."

My stomach tightened as I held my breath.

"...And I gave him my blessing. He loves you very much, Anna, and I trust him with you. He'll put you first and if he's with you, while I…."

His heartbeat drummed in my ear and I wondered how many chances I have left to listen to it. "If I can see you two get married... If I can give you away at your wedding, that would be enough. I can go in peace knowing you won't be left alone when I'm gone."

It didn't matter what I wanted anymore, I wasn't the one dying.

I looked up at him, counting every crinkle by his eyes. I was hoping I'd see many more before our time together ended. His eyes held so much hope within them and it broke what was left of my heart. There was no way I'd disappoint him. I couldn't. My dad gave me _everything_ as a child up to now. He played both parents, took on two jobs, and still dealt with my antics everyday. I owed him this.

It was for him.

"I can make that happen, papa. You can still walk me down the aisle."

 _Even at my expense, I have to say yes._

* * *

The waiting room was empty when I got back, except for the Knowles siblings. They occupied a dark corner, close to the window and minding to themselves. Kristoff had fallen asleep, head tilting back a bit as he snored. He looked so peaceful, I was jealous. The only one still very much awake as she looked out the window was Elsa.

She was daydreaming, sighing heavily as the rain continued to patter against the pane. It didn't look like it was going to stop anytime soon. I had taken off my heels, holding them by the straps in one hand as I gripped the front of my coat. Elsa's coat. No one noticed me yet, so I took my time.

I stopped by the corner, taking a good look at the opportunity I was giving up by marrying Kristoff. Her mascara streaked the corners of her eyes when she tried to rub it off and her bun had frizzed, blouse stained from the rain. It didn't matter.

We were all on the same boat when I got the call, running out in the storm. She still looked the best out of all of us. I don't think there was ever a time I didn't find her attractive, even at her worst.

I was never sure if Elsa felt the same about me, I didn't want to think about it. But it was nice to just imagine. To be stuck in a daydream like she was. I always thought back on the first time Kristoff and I kissed. Or the first time Elsa told me about her girlfriend so long ago. I wondered how it all would've turned out by now if I'd done things differently years ago. If I had…

Another roll of thunder boomed in the distance, causing her to shiver and look away. It took her only a second to find me and smile. It was sympathetic, making this harder for myself than it had to be. I gave her a half-hearted one in return as I made my way to them.

She adjusted in her seat and spoke quietly, "Are you staying the night?"

I shook my head, "No, he won't allow it. I'll be back to pick him up in the morning."

She nodded and started to gather her things while I tried to wake Kristoff, shaking his shoulder a bit, "Baby? Wake up, we have to go home."

He grumbled, slowly opening his eyes and wincing at the harsh lights. Looking around, he found my face and woke up a little startled, "Hey! What's going on? We're not staying?"

I laughed softly, "No, baby, I'm coming back tomorrow. Let's go home, we need to talk."

By that time, Elsa was ready to go and waiting by the exit. I helped Kristoff to his feet, letting him yawn before walking him out of the hospital. It was raining lightly now, giving us time to get to our cars without rushing.

Elsa had walked a few feet away from us, wrapping her arms around her stomach and staring at the pavement. No one said anything, and when we got to the parking lot I realized I was still wearing her coat. Looking to the side, she was already far from us and fishing for her keys in her purse.

I squeezed Kristoff's hand, "I'll meet you by the truck," as he nodded lazily in response.

Picking up pace, my bare feet splashed puddles as I called out to her, "Elsa, wait!"

She was already at her car when I got to her, tossing her purse to the passenger side. She looked back at me expectantly. "Wait, take your coat," I breathed.

I began to unbutton it before she stopped me, "I said to keep it and I meant it… Anna, I'm leaving again tomorrow."

I took another step forward, hating the car door that separated the two of us, "Do you have to go?" She nodded weakly. Biting her lip as she regarded me again with a steady gaze. It was eating me up, she kept looking at me like that earlier... so I had to ask.

"Why, why were you crying earlier... at the restaurant?"

She took a deep breath, mulling over my words carefully, "Why were _you,_ Anna?"

 _Fuck, got me there._

My extended silence was enough for her to dismiss herself, "...Call me if you need anything." She started to get in her car, but something snapped when she said that. My brain felt derailed and something ticked me off. I couldn't stop the words once they were out.

"Are you going to actually answer if I do or keep ignoring me?"

She paused, midway settling into her seat when she froze. Her fingers clutched the frame of the door as she looked back up at me. Her eyes searched my face and I could see her trying to fit the proper answer without being curt. Even if I was being pushy.

"I'll answer if you call… I promise."

I crossed my arms and looked down. I was expecting her to defend herself, to lash out some quick and witty response that would shut me down. But she didn't. All I could do was nod and feel so small under her gaze.

"Goodbye, Anna."

She gave me a weak and reassuring smile as she got in her car. I watched her pull out of her spot, her tail lights growing smaller as she drove away. Pacing myself back to Kristoff, I had time to think about what I would even call her for. _I'll answer if you call_ … it almost felt like a lifeline. I reached the truck, clambering in as Kristoff started it up.

Of course, the first thing I mentioned was Elsa.

"She's leaving tomorrow."

He grunted in response, "I'm not really surprised; I didn't expect her to stay for long."

I frowned in confusion, trying to understand him. He was already driving out of the lot and onto the slick streets as dawn approached. I took a few seconds before bringing it up again, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I was the one who begged her to come see us."

Then it all really started clicking.

"I wanted the whole family there, so I called her… _several times_ …"

That's why Elsa was there. Thanks to Kristoff.

"… for the big _surprise_."

I nibbled on my bottom lip in thought, "Did she know?"

He shook his head, "No, I didn't tell anyone except Allen and my father. Anyways, it wasn't easy to get her here."

"How'd you convince her?"

He stifled a yawn, "Well… I kind of guilt tripped her… I'm not proud of it, but it worked."

I waited, knowing he was going to give me more than that. He had to.

"I told her, if she still really cared about you, she'd make the effort for at least this. I'm really glad she did." He turned and gave me a lazy crooked smile, "And you thought she hated you."

* * *

Kristoff parked in my driveway, shutting off the ignition. We didn't say much during the drive, letting the casual silence settle as I held his hand to keep him awake the whole time. He was ready for bed but if I didn't talk about this now, I'd probably never go through with it.

Caressing his arm, I moved my hand up and squeezed his shoulder, "Baby, before we go inside, let's talk about tonight."

We hadn't spoken about it since the phone call about my father, putting everything on hold. The unsaid answer just lingered around me, prodding and poking me on the side while I took my time.

He was waiting as I looked at his face, the gentle features of a Knowles. His eyes, mostly. Those hazel irises, red rimmed from exhaustion.

Enough time had passed as he grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together, "You don't have to answer me right now, Anna, there's a lot going on."

I pursed my lips together, "That's the thing, Kristoff. It _has_ to be now because of everything that's going on."

He kissed my knuckles, waiting patiently so I could find the guts I never seem to have at the right time.

"Kristoff, my dad is dying so I'm not wasting anymore time. I want him to see me in that white dress before it's too late. I'll marry you… but it has to be a month or two from now."

His eyes widened a bit, "A month?"

I smiled sympathetically, "I know, but I don't want to risk it."

That constricting feeling started to come up again in my chest and I felt so goddamn tired. _How many times am I going to cry today?_ I swallowed hard, pushing down that sick feeling that always came when I was about to do something I'd regret.

"Can we make that happen, baby?"

He leaned forward, placing a chaste kiss over my quivering lips, "Of course, we can do that. If that's what you really want."

"Then my answer is yes."

* * *

A/N: Sup guys. This story will eventually get to the good stuff but a lot has to happen first. Remember, Elsanna is key in all this. Thanks for the support you babes.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

…

The lace felt coarse against my skin, the cold zipper sending a shiver up my spine. I shifted uncomfortably in the fabric, letting myself get pricked for the twentieth time. I winced as the hired seamstress looked up from her glasses hanging off her nose, "I'm sorry dear, the fabric is a little difficult to alter from how long it's been in hiding."

I smiled meekly, "It's- ahh…" Twenty-one. "It's fine, Flora. Are we almost done?"

She nodded and adjusted another pin along my back, "Nearly there, bear with me." She was a nice woman, but she couldn't see well.

Flora stepped back, piping up, "What do you think, Allison?"

Mrs. Knowles lifted her gaze from her laptop as she finalized another email, giving me a once over. She smiled and her eyes lit up, "Oh, Anna, you look stunning."

I blushed, looking down, "Thank you, this dress is gorgeous." I was surprised she had even offered me the dress.

"I'm glad you're the one wearing it." She stood, pushing out her chair and making her way to me. "I had hoped Elsa would wear it, but considering the timing I don't think she'd mind if you borrowed it."

She started to circle me, "This dress has been in the family for a long time, it dates back to the legend of the Snow Queen. They say she crafted this dress using her magic, preserving it up to this day. Apparently, it was meant for a very dear friend of hers."

I arched a brow, running my fingers through the fabric in admiration, "Must've been one hell of a friend."

Mrs. Knowles hummed in thought, "Yes, but those are just old legends. The idea of magic is ridiculous, no one believes in those stories anymore."

I stayed silent. Funny thing is, I actually still do. A big part of me always adored fairytales and fantasies. It was an easy escape for me when life became too real or cruel.

In my mind, the Snow Queen did exist. She did craft this dress using her magic, keeping it safe after all these years. I felt it along the seams, felt the love and effort within each delicate stitching. Even the cold zipper, placed perfectly on the dip of my back, told the story. It had history. It had to be real.

I wanted to know more, "Allison?" She looked up expectantly, "Tell me more about the legends of the Snow Queen."

Mrs. Knowles smiled, finding my curiosity amusing, "Well… Back then, when there were Kings and Queens, there was the kingdom of Arendelle. A young woman who ruled that kingdom alone was said to have been born with certain magical attributes."

I titlted my head, "magical attributes… like?"

"She could conjure ice and manipulate snow to her will. Like this dress, she could make clothes, she forged weapons… she also brought things to life sometimes."

"Oh wow… Do you have any old portraits or something? What did she look like?" I wanted to know so much about this woman, she sounded amazing.

"No pictures, but... this is where things get interesting and we tease about it in our family. You know how Elsa's hair is incredibly blonde?"

I nodded, "Well, the Snow Queen was described to have the same platinum blonde hair."

She laughed then, "And we always play around how the next person in the family to have that hair is supposed to be the next _Snow Queen_ or a descendant with the same magical attributes."

"Huh, first I've heard of it."

She waved a hand in response, "Well, we don't have Elsa here to tease anymore." She smiled sadly before continuing, "But, it's just a story, Anna."

I was so deep in her tale that I hadn't noticed Flora was already done and waiting. The tailor cleared her throat, "All finished!"

Mrs. Knowles smiled and went to her desk to fill out a blank check, "Beautiful, thank you again for doing this on such short notice."

"Of course, anything for a family friend." She accepted the folded slip of paper and picked up her bags, "I'll be on my way then, congratulations, dear."

I waved her goodbye as she was shown out, giving me a minute alone to look at myself in the mirror. It was just me and my reflection, but it seemed so bizarre not really recognizing myself. The dress really was insanely gorgeous and I couldn't help but think back on the story. Subconsciously, I ran a finger along the laces by the collar and imagined this dress on someone else.

Someone like Elsa.

It seemed fitting for someone like her to be wearing a dress like this. The fabric would hug her hips as it waved out, the laces would curve over her shoulder blades. This dress would've been perfect for her. Her bare back would've shown in all the right ways.

Elsa.

She stayed true to her word and left for New York after my father's accident. She didn't call or text. She didn't even reply to the wedding invitation. It felt the same as before, after her first visit back to Chicago. When she started to push me away.

I thought we had made progress. I thought we had grown out of that or at least grown up, but we didn't. I hated it. I hated feeling like this all the time. I hated her and even that was a lie. No, I hated how much I love her. That sounded accurate. Regardless, there was hate settled with my love and it wasn't going away.

I didn't bother calling her. Why would I? What good would that do for me, or for Kristoff? Less of her meant more of him and it was getting easier again. Every time she did something like this, it was easier to fall back to Kristoff.

I raked a hand through my bangs with a sigh. I wondered what I could do with my hair for the wedding.

Mrs. Knowles came back by then, watching me struggle with my fringes. She chuckled and pulled a few bobby pins from her own bun, "Here." I stepped down from the pedestal so she could reach my hair, reveling in the feel of her fingers scratching my scalp. I closed my eyes, letting her pull away a few strands and twist them around. It felt nice.

It reminded me of my mom… before she disappeared from my life.

"There we go, how's that?" I opened my eyes and blinked back. My hair wasn't in loose strands anymore, but perfectly pinned in a unique bun.

I smiled gratefully, "Oh, I love it!"

She hugged my shoulders, "Well, you always did love the way Elsa and I put up our hair. I figured you'd want a style of your own now that you'll be a part of the family."

"I'm probably gonna need a step-by-step tutorial for this," I joked, trying to figure out where she hid all my hair.

She giggled, patting my bun playfully, "You'll get the hang of it one day."

In that moment, Kristoff knocked along the wall and leaned his body against the door frame with a whistle. "Be still my beating heart, _babe_ , you're looking good."

I rolled my eyes, "What're you doing here? You're not supposed to see me in this yet. Bad luck."

He just shrugged, "I don't believe in that kind of superstition, right ma?"

"You may not, but I certainly do. Get out," she started to swat him away from the door with an annoyed huff.

"Aw, c'mon mom!"

Slamming the door in his face, I couldn't help my amused smile. Mrs. Knowles always knew how to put her boys in their place. That's something I could admire.

She leaned back against the door with a huff, "I swear that boy…" Looking back up at me with a grin, she chuckled, "I'm glad he has you to manage him, I can't see anyone better fit for the job."

He's the one managing me.

* * *

Alright, Anna.

 _Breathe._

My fingers wrung the bottom of my bouquet as I peered out past the window of our patio doors. We couldn't find a proper venue from how quickly everything was planned, but Mrs. Knowles spruced up my backyard enough to feel like we had gone somewhere else. That woman played mother and wedding planner while she worked; I'm still not sure how she pulled it off.

There weren't a lot of guests, just a few friends and our immediate family. Lawn chairs lined up equally along the sides of the aisle. They were painted an offset white, decorated in silver ribbon with a Casablanca on each one.

The same design followed up along our old gazebo, ribbons and Casablanca's hanging down from the small pillars, wrapped in lights. It gave it that Christmas feel without the actual need for garlands and mistletoes. Not a single bit of red.

Kristoff stood at the gazebo, waiting patiently like everyone else. I watched him long enough to notice the light bounce in his toes. God, he was so excited. It just made me that much more nervous.

I took a shaky breath, closing my eyes for a second. "You okay, sweetie?"

My dad rubbed a hand along my back, helping me calm down as I looked to him. He seemed thinner now with permanent bags under his eyes, but he still had that warmth within them. I smiled, "Yea, daddy, I'm fine."

He watched me, still unsure, "Anna, all I want is for you to be happy. I need to be sure this is what you want…"

Of course I knew he wanted me to be happy… but I wanted the same for him. I wanted to have this moment with him. My smile softened, "I do want this… I love Kristoff and he's been my best friend all my life. He's always been there for me and he always will be."

It wasn't a lie. I do love Kristoff and he does make me happy. He makes me laugh, he's affectionate, and he's steady. He's always been _there_ and it made me feel wanted. Sometimes he can be enough. But my heart doesn't belong to solely him and it's taken me too long to figure it out. A part of me left for New York. A part of me was stolen by _her_ and I will never get that back while I'm with Kristoff.

My dad squeezed my shoulder and offered me his arm, "Well, if you're ready... then I am too."

The deep grooves next to his eyes framed his face, the apples of his cheeks pink from happiness. I may never get the part of me that left with Elsa back, but if I can see my dad this happy... then it doesn't matter what I lose.

If marrying Kristoff is considered a punishment, it's the kindest yet.

I took my dad's arm, his suit felt soft against my fingers, "I really don't wanna fall today... think you can keep me steady in case I do?"

He winked at me, "If I don't fall first, then I'll keep you steady," we both started laughing at that.

God, I was going to miss this. It seemed so surreal to me, but real nonetheless.

For the most part, he seemed fine. Once in a while, he'd have a black out but it was rare. Then they became more frequent. He had to stop driving and resign at both his jobs under the insistence of the Knowles. They promised to cover everything they could for him, and he relented once I came into the conversation.

Then his memory _wavered_. Just once, he'd forgotten the month we were in. It was clearly December, and he thought it was the coldest July he's ever experienced in Chicago. Times like that were reminders of our limits.

But times like this, laughing together, cracking jokes… it was endless and nothing could compare.

My heart fluttered as he leaned in and kissed the side of my head, "I love you, my little girl."

I took a deep breath, taking in the scent of his cologne. Leaning into the touch, I hummed gently and let my eyes slip shut. I started counting all his kisses. It didn't matter how many I was given, it'd never be enough, but I treated each one like they were his last.

"I love you too, daddy."

The music cued and the doors opened. We looked to each other and took our first step together down the aisle. For once in my life, I didn't trip and neither did he.

* * *

Elsa didn't show up to the wedding. I didn't see or hear from her until five months later…

When she attended my father's funeral.

I wish I could say that his last few days were easy on him. That he went out with a bang or a smile on his face, but he didn't. He was confused and lost. After a seizure, he remained hospitalized under strict supervision after wandering around one night.

His memory was eaten away by disease, testing his patience each day. He had started forgetting little things, like the day of the week or time of day. Then basic functions like dressing himself properly were becoming a challenge for him. It made him moody.

The last month was the worst. He had changed completely.

For someone who was usually easy going, it was hard to see him held down and sedated after a fit of rage. He had forgotten nearly everyone, including me. The times that I visited, he assumed I was his nurse. Oddly enough, he was nicer to me than anyone else he saw, as if his heart was trying to fight his head.

I helped bathe him when he was stubborn, I fed him when he forgot how to use a fork, and I tucked him to bed when he was restless. I took care of him the way he took care of me when I was a kid. I refused to give up on him, even when he refused to keep going sometimes. Those days, he'd just stare out the window, completely lost.

His last day was the cruelest.

I was coming in that morning to make sure he would eat his breakfast. I walked into that room and he smiled as if it were any other day. Those beautiful crinkles lined the edges of his eyes, but there was warmth again. He looked to me with familiarity and said, "Hey there, my little girl. What took you so long?"

He remembered me that day. I wasn't a stranger anymore, I wasn't his nurse. The way his face lit up, I knew I was his daughter. He saw me fully and my heart nearly stopped.

We talked for ages and he didn't forget a thing. We laughed for hours, pretending we weren't in a hospital for once. It felt so nice, but it didn't change the facts. All good things are limited and I should've known it wasn't going to last. I stepped out for a minute and that's all it took to forget. I walked back in and I was a stranger again as he looked to me with such a blank stare. It fucking hurt and it wasn't fair.

"I'm so sorry for your loss, he was a good man."

Another coworker of his, someone I've never met, approached me with that remorseful look on their face. Telling me what I've been hearing on repeat for the past hour or so… I was sick of it. I didn't want to hear it anymore, but I smiled and swallowed down that pill, the one that keeps lodging in my throat when I hear those words- _your loss._

Yes, I did lose him, thanks for the reminder.

I was ridiculously bitter, past the point of understanding because I couldn't process how quickly everything had changed. Meanwhile, every person here _seemed_ to get it. They apologized as if they expected it, as if his death was so simple. To me it wasn't and I wasn't digging how they all pretended to understand it or understand how it felt to be with him through that time. They didn't see him those last months. Most people here barely knew him; they just recognized him through work. They felt guilt-tripped into coming.

The more they spoke their regrets and apologies, the more I realized it was all bullshit. It made me sick.

Kristoff stayed by my side, being the strong husband while I tried to keep my shit together. He expressed way more sympathy than I did, letting me lean on him as he answered for me. He was my rock and I was so grateful.

I looked to the hole in the ground, waiting to be filled as everyone took their time to clear out. The workers lingered in the back, being patient until they could finish their job. I appreciated their company more than those dressed in black, they seemed a little more respectful.

The white roses on my dad's casket were already sprinkled with dirt when I threw the first handful in. He was in that casket, six feet under, and for some reason my mind kept thinking I'd find him when I went home; Regardless of the fresh dirt looming over his private box. If I could finish burying him, I would. To just get it over with and move on quicker.

But it wouldn't be appropriate so I was forced to watch and wait instead.

My eyes remained fixed to the ground, until a pair of black flats came into view along the side of his grave. I looked up, letting my eyes study their figure and red locks. My brows furrowed and I couldn't help the bile feeling in my stomach.

It was my mom.

She held a napkin to her nose, silently weeping as she brushed a hand through her hair. I couldn't believe she had the nerve to cry. Kristoff felt the way I tensed in his arms, and followed my eyes. He was confused for a second, until I spoke aloud without even realizing and breaking loose from him.

"What do you think you're doing here?" It came out a little more aggressive than planned.

Her head snapped up in surprise, her mouth in a tight line as I approached her. She wore that deer-in-the-headlights stare, taking a step back when I advanced, "No, you don't get to do this today. What makes you think you could just _show up_ like this?"

It took my mom a second to process before fighting back, trying to keep her voice hushed, "I loved him, Anna, I have the right to see him one last time."

"You lost that right when you _left_ us!" I was screaming now and it felt so damn good. I didn't care of the scene I was causing. Screw it, I was gonna let this out one way or another and my mom just so happened to be the catalyst.

By then, most people had gone anyway; the only ones who really had to watch were the Knowles and Kristoff who had no idea how to handle this. I'm sure the workers were getting a laugh out of this too, probably wouldn't be the first bit of family drama for them.

"Enough, Anna-"

"No! You don't get to pick and choose when you can be a part of our lives, how dare you!?" Her cheeks were growing red from anger and embarrassment, lips falling to a frown the more I persisted.

Her teal eyes wilted as the tears began to freefall from her face, "I had to leave, Anna!"

"Why, Cathy?! What made you think that was a brilliant _fucking_ idea?!"

"Because I wasn't happy in that house!" We were both breathing heavily now, waiting for someone to crack under the awkward tension.

Her lip quivered, "I… I just couldn't do it anymore."

"Couldn't what?" My throat bobbed as I swallowed, feeling the full weight of the past on my chest now.

"I-I couldn't keep pretending everything was okay… that I wasn't depressed."

"But he gave you everything; he tried to make you happy!"

I was trembling, still considering if I wanted to rip her a new one or not. When she reached for my hands, I nearly flinched away. But she held on and pleaded with her eyes, "Sometimes that's not always enough."

It felt like a warning and it also felt like bullshit. I finally pulled my hands away, "I really think you should leave."

She didn't look convinced until someone stepped behind me, placing a hand on my shoulder, "Is everything alright?"

It was the first time in months I had heard Elsa's voice since my dad's accident. She seemed to be the only one willing to step in before it could escalate again. Willing to go past her boundaries and get herself involved.

My mom didn't move her eyes from me, ignoring Elsa as she searched my face. She smacked her lips, as if she was going to say so much more but opted for a sad sigh instead.

"I-It was good to see you, Anna," adjusting the strap of her bag, she walked away with a hand over her mouth so I couldn't hear her cry. I watched her all the way to her car as she drove off and out of my life again.

I hadn't realized I was crying too until Elsa turned me around and hugged me tightly, "I'm sorry, Anna, I truly am."

Out of every single apology I heard that day, hers was the only one I welcomed.

* * *

A/N: For those still following along, thank you! I always appreciate every bit of support, see ya next time.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

...

The downy pillows over my face couldn't drown out the soft staccato outside my door. I had locked myself up in my room the minute we got home from the funeral. All the days were blurred together without anything to keep me busy. I didn't keep track on how long I isolated myself, but I knew I wasn't coming out soon. It probably couldn't have been long because Elsa was still here, checking up on me.

She usually wouldn't even last a week. Guess it needed to be a bitter occasion to get her to stay.

The funeral and everything after was just emotionally draining. Seeing my mom was taking its toll on me and I didn't want to come out of my dark room. Not even for Elsa, not right now.

"Anna, are you hungry?"

I sighed heavily, pretending to sleep so she'd leave me to my thoughts. It was quiet for a moment, but it didn't last, "You have to eat."

Damn, she always knew when I was awake.

"… I'm not hungry."

Her socks padded along the hardwood floor of my room as she came over and sat beside me. Her nimble fingers sifted through the sheets, searching for me as she pulled down on the comforter. I probably looked horrible, but it didn't matter.

And I still couldn't get myself to look at her. It made the silver band around my finger feel that much tighter.

So I opted for staring blankly at the dull wall, the lavender tone washing out to a grey in the darkness. It was almost relaxing, reminiscing on the time I painted my room with my dad, getting lavender everywhere and on our clothes.

Elsa's gentle hand brushed back my bangs, "Anna, talk to me, I'm here for you."

"You weren't before…"

She probably didn't deserve that, wincing at my own words with a heavy sigh, "Shit, I'm sorry-"

"No, it's okay, don't apologize," she didn't stop her movements, scratching my scalp lightly. "Can you try to get out of bed though?"

Her nails felt so nice, but I still wasn't feeling it. I turned my back on her, "I'm really tired, Elsa, maybe tomorrow."

She hummed lowly, her weight shifting off the bed as she pulled the sheets back over me. I curled into myself, covering my head as I heard the door creak, "You know I'm down the hall if you need anything."

"Okay."

She did that a lot. Would come in, ask me if I wanted to do something I was too exhausted to do and then leave by reassuring me she was _close_. I wasn't in my right mind to think about her stay or how long she'd be here, but it was remotely comforting.

Kristoff's loud footsteps met Elsa's halfway down the hall. Their voices were muffled, but I still heard them. It was hard to block them out. Kristoff sounded tired too, his gruff voice laced with sleep, "How is she?"

"She doesn't want to do anything."

He sighed but it came off more as a low groan, "It's been nearly a week and she hasn't eaten much..."

Elsa clicked her tongue, "Yea, well, she shouldn't be in this house right now."

"What do you suggest then?"

"To get her out of here, somewhere that doesn't remind her of Allen." It hurt to even hear his name being said out loud.

"I can't exactly go anywhere, Elsa. I'm still taking summer classes and working part-time." I couldn't tell if he was being snarky or not.

"I'm not _exactly_ sure what you want me to tell you then." But she definitely was.

There was a pause before Kristoff scoffed, "Wait, hold on. Why doesn't she just go with you?"

My eyes shot open as I jerked my head from under the covers to listen better. _What?_

"What?" Elsa didn't seem amused.

"Take her with you to New York for a few weeks; she's not taking classes or anything right now. I'll cover any extra expenses and take care of things here."

I could imagine her biting her lip in thought, "… I'm not so sure that's a good idea."

"What're you talking about? You just came up with it."

She sounded flustered now, "I-I didn't mean me-"

"C'mon, Els, she needs you."

Don't I get a say in this? I mean… I'd say yes most likely, but it'd be nice to at least have the option instead of a set decision made for me.

After another long pause, she sighed in defeat, "… Fine, I'll ask her tomorrow."

Nothing else was exchanged after that. They went their separate ways, Kristoff staying on the couch to give me space while Elsa took the guest bedroom. I brought my thumb up to my mouth and lightly bit it in thought. Should I go to New York?

I waited thirty minutes until I was sure everyone was asleep. When Kristoff's snores echoed from my living room, I snuck out of bed like I was six again. My socks shuffled on the wood floors, easing the sound of my tip-toeing. My door made that light squeak as I walked out to the hall. Looking back, I stared at Elsa's door for a long minute before heading in the opposite direction.

I didn't need any company right now.

My dad's room hadn't been touched, rightfully so. You don't bother with the things of a deceased loved one unless you're ready to take the next step in grieving. I wasn't sure if I was, but I wanted to find out. It'd be nice if I could move on from this quicker than what my heart planned. I brushed a hand over his door, pressing my forehead to it with a deep breath. My free hand grazed the knob, ignoring the cold chill of metal as I opened it.

His door never squeaked, always the one door in the entire house that never did. It made sneaking up on him fun. This time didn't feel all that different. Except, he wasn't inside and I couldn't potentially scare him.

His bed hadn't been touched since the last time I made it for him, old slippers waiting for him at the end of his bed. His tacky reading glasses were collecting dust as they lay on top of his night stand. The bottle of his cologne was still uncapped, as if he just used it. A coat hung from the chair near his desktop at the edge of the room, along with his belt dangling.

All little things he'd use on a daily.

I stepped further into the room, wrapping my arms around myself as I looked around. He'll never touch these things again and the idea made me realize I wasn't ready to be in his room. I couldn't bear to look at any of it because I still believed he'd come home and tell me about his day.

Just when I thought I could handle it, something inside me crashed and I started to shake. My cries were quiet, bringing a hand over my mouth as I slowly backed away from the room. If this was going to be how I mourn, it was going to be a long fucking year.

Maybe New York wasn't such a bad idea.

* * *

The majority of the trip consisted of sleeping, at least for me. Once in a while, Elsa would shake my shoulder asking me if I was hungry or needed the washroom. I could only get away with denying her for so long before it got old, forcing me to stretch my legs while she pumped gas.

I wasn't sure how long Elsa had been driving for, but she didn't seem to mind it.

All I knew was that is was late when we reached Manhattan. I couldn't see the stars much, but the moon was still bright, casting a glow through the car window. The city itself was bright enough without it, the avenues giving life to the paved streets. It was distracting, which I guess was a good thing. _It's why I'm here, right? Distraction._

I expected Elsa to live in one of those snazzy apartments, with a penthouse and a wicked view. So when we pulled along the side of the curb to a squeezed, quaint brownstone apartment for one, I was thrown off… in a good way.

It was cozy and the neighborhood seemed quiet, far from the buzzing traffic and overbearing skyscrapers we kept passing. The more I looked at it, the more I wondered why I was even surprised to begin with. Elsa never really changed throughout the years. She was still that calm, collected person who truly enjoyed their personal space.

And her apartment was a reflection of that. It was a reflection of her for the past five years or so.

Stepping out of the car without a word, I stopped by the concrete steps to take it all in. For the most part it looked like it was in good shape. The whole block did, as if they'd recently added it, but the cracks here and there put some years on it. The dark brick buildings were slowly taken over by baby vines, even around the rails by the steps.

It made the block look even livelier than downtown.

Elsa's apartment was different. She was the only one with her door painted blue. Deep cobalt, a subtle touch that I couldn't help but adore because I knew Elsa had painted it herself. She liked crafts as much as I did when we were younger, I can't imagine why that would change now.

The sound of a suitcase hitting the pavement drew my attention, pulling me from my appreciation to help Elsa with the luggage. "Shit, sorry…"

She smiled gently to herself, making sure the trunk was clear before shutting it, "Relax, Anna, I don't mind."

I pressed my lips together, choosing to leave it be as I followed her into the apartment. Once we were inside she dropped her luggage, switched on a few lights, and stepped to the side to let me pass.

"Well, this is it," she offered with a little shrug. I couldn't tell what was more charming, her apartment or the way she presented it.

It wasn't modernized or cold.

The moment you step in past the welcome carpet, you're in the living room. The soft black sofa draped in knitted blankets took up enough space without taking over the room. A small coffee table was set in the middle with decorative hydrangeas centering it, along with a TV right across and a wide movie collection surrounding it.

They were probably alphabetized.

Her desk was in the far corner by the window, littered with paperwork and a forgotten coffee mug… Several mugs, actually. I was sure I'd find a coffee stain on some of the papers.

The pads of my fingers subconsciously ran down one of the walls to my side, feeling the messy brush strokes Elsa made there. She used spruce and aegean blue on respective walls, a complimenting but daring color combination considering how dark it made the apartment feel.

There were some rough patches where she probably stopped to dip her brush again, starting off with no consistent direction with her strokes. It was comforting, like her tiny mess on the desk.

In general, her apartment was dark but she added color to it with each blanket or pillow. Even her mugs played a part.

It just felt _lived_ in.

One thing bothered me though. The walls were blank. More empty than anything. Not a single frame to fill wall space. Maybe it's just the artist in me but I couldn't help want to decorate them myself.

Walking around the coffee table, I noticed her bedroom didn't really have a door either. There was just a wall that separated the bedroom from the living room with a small opening where a door should be. Kind of how the kitchen was set up on the opposite side. It was _open_ which topped all surprises.

Elsa probably didn't mind not having any doors because this apartment was just meant for one. She has all the privacy once she locks her front door.

I felt her gaze on me, waiting for my approval and watching me take it all in. Shrugging off my sweater, I tossed it over the end of the sofa and turned to her with a weak smile.

"It's cute," I offered, stuffing my hands in the pockets of my worn jeans.

I knew it wasn't the enthusiasm someone would want, but I had my heart set on a hot bath and a clear head right now. She took the compliment regardless, smiling to the floor before clearing her throat.

"Um, there's only one bathroom in my room which we can share… you can also sleep in my bed or-"

"I'll take the couch if you don't mind." I was too eager to decline.

She nodded slowly, "… Okay, whatever you're comfortable with."

In reality, we both could've fit on her bed. It was huge from the small view I had in the living room. It's just- It'd be best if I didn't.

She stayed quiet, going into her room and coming back with spare pillows, "Just use the blankets on the sofa, they're the warmest I have. I'm heading to the shower in a minute then I'll get started on dinner, sound good?"

"Yea, that's fine."

Once I heard the bathroom door shut, I plopped down on the sofa with a sigh and unzipped my duffel bag. Fishing for my toothbrush, I smiled at all the ridiculous things Kristoff thought I needed for a summer vacation. He did miss a few things, nothing I can't buy at the store, but the vapor rub seemed unnecessary.

Holding back a smile, I went for my suitcase next. My toothbrush had to be somewhere. Opening up the biggest zipper, I found all my clothes neatly folded and organized, my toothbrush sticking out in a small inner pocket. What caught my attention was a familiar brown package, tied with a green bow. My eyes softened at the sight, tugging on the ribbon lightly as I picked it up. I'd been so… preoccupied.

I never had a chance to open her gift.

"Why would he pack this?" I mumbled to myself, inspecting the box I'd neglected for so long.

I traced a finger over the edge, following it to the side where I pushed off the tape. I let it rest on my lap and undid the ribbon. Removing the paper, what was left was a dark velvet box. It looked like a jewelry box, but much wider. I hesitated; making sure Elsa was still in the bathroom before pushing up and revealing a simple bracelet.

It was beautiful. The thin chain was silver, long enough to leave a tail over my wrist if I clipped it. Connecting to it was an oval shaped stone, almost cerulean if not darker. The nicest feature was the snowflake design within the stone, it almost looked like stippling. Squinting, I noticed a small scuff on the side and tried rubbing my finger over it. It felt like it had been filled there and buffed down, the texture being different than the rest.

I finally took it out of its case, twirling it in my hand.

Unclasping the hook, I wrapped the bracelet around my left wrist before pausing. It didn't feel right. Putting it on the same hand as my wedding ring, it sounded crazy, I know. But I wanted Elsa to have a spot of her own, so I switched it to the right.

The door to the bathroom had opened just then, Elsa calling out, "It's all yours, Anna. Fresh towels are under the sink."

My throat tightened at the sound of her voice, making it impossible to say anything. She stepped out, brushing her hair, "You okay?"

I smiled fondly, my first genuine smile in a while. Nodding my head, I looked down at the bracelet, "… Thank you."

She finally understood, noticing the scraps of wrapping on the table and the way I played with the stone. There was this light that came from her eyes when she saw my decorated wrist. I adored her gift and she was so proud of it. Biting her lip, she was trying so hard to suppress a grin, she couldn't hold back for very long with the way her cheeks were growing pink. It made my heart ache and the band around my finger tighten in ways I tried to ignore.

"I was worried you didn't… but I'm glad you like it."

I couldn't hold back either, "I love it."

She locked eyes with me, her grin becoming infectious as I grinned back. A girl could get lost in those baby blues… I didn't think I'd mind that one bit.

No matter the circumstances, there was one thing I could rely on. My love for Elsa has always been _constant._

* * *

A/N: Happy New Year! Hope you all stayed safe, sorry for the minor break. You know, December stuff. A lot of Elsanna to come now that it's just them two.

Thanks for everything!


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

…

"Hey, how're you? How's everything there?"

 _Oh, you know the usual. How's New York treating you so far, hate it yet?_

"Hm, it's okay. It's only been a week though, can't say I've had a horrible first impression yet."

 _Yea, I'm just being hopeful that you'll come back sooner, I miss you already. Where's Els?_

"She went straight back to work."

 _Not surprised. She's just like our dad… I know she's supposed to be taking care of you in a sense, but make sure she's not overworking herself._

"We'll see…"

 _Alright, babe, my break's over. Gotta go, I love you._

"Love you too."

Kristoff's name disappeared as tapped my thumb over my phone, ending the call. Perched on the window sill, I leaned my head back against the glass, watching the taxi's outside hustle with the clouds settling into overcast. God, overcast weather sucked. It was bringing me lower than I already felt, snuggling further into one of the many blankets I stole. I mean, if I'm honest, the weather didn't have much to do with it.

I was always tired.

My phone buzzed again in my hand, a few text messages from old friends back home sending me their condolences still. Even Tiana.

I ignored them, choosing to delete the texts before I could actually open them. I just wanted to block it all out, pretend for a little while that it didn't happen. Inadvertently, I twisted my bracelet around my wrist in thought. It was a habit I'd just recently picked up, thanks to Elsa. As if playing with my hair wasn't enough.

I don't know… it felt comforting.

Looking over to the clock on Elsa's desk, I started to gather myself up to shower. Didn't want Elsa to see me sulking again, it'll just make her feel guilty for no reason. Plus, I really wanted a hot shower before she took all the hot water again.

I dropped the blanket on my makeshift bed/sofa and shuffled to the bathroom. Looking at my reflection, I sighed at the pathetic view I had of myself. My hair was disheveled since this morning and still had my pajamas on, too lazy to do anything to it about it all day.

Locking the door, I set the shower head a little lower than Elsa's height and let the steam from the hot water open up my pores. Stripping down, I stepped in carefully, adjusting to the temperature. It was heavenly. My muscles melted at the feeling, rolling my neck to loosen some of the kinks with a groan.

For a while, I just propped myself up along the shower wall. The water ran down my back, lolling through my hair as I closed my eyes.

 _People change, Elsa, things will change._

I huffed irritably, reaching for the shampoo and scrubbing it into my scalp. I kept scrubbing until the suds had become too much. My hair may have been clean, but not my mind. Not since I opened that brown box, thinking back to when we were younger.

 _That's true, life changes all the time. But you in my life, that won't change. Do you wanna know how I'm so sure?_

I made the water even hotter, rinsing out the shampoo and possibly the nostalgia that I couldn't seem to escape. I didn't want to think about this right now. I shouldn't be.

 _Because constants are variables that we choose to sustain._

If I reasoned with myself enough I can justify it as just a stage of mourning. But I would be lying to myself, and that was a joke. Mourning or not, this is because I'm closer to Elsa _now_ than I ever have been _before_. I mean, I'm using her shampoo right now. I'm sleeping in her apartment. I'm wearing a bracelet from her. I'm surrounded by the one thing I tried to keep away for so long and I can't help but wonder if this is some sick form of karma.

In a sense, their plan worked. New York was a distraction, just the wrong kind.

 _You're the one variable I choose to sustain, Anna._

With a tired sigh, I scrubbed the rest of my body in a hurry. That's when I heard the front door open and close. Speaking of which… "Anna, I'm home."

"I-I'll be right out."

Finishing off my shower, I dried my hair as much as I could and tied myself up in a robe. Stepping out to the cool feel of the apartment, I shivered lightly. It could have also been because Elsa was changing right in front of me in that moment. I caught a glimpse of her bare back before she pulled her shirt down in a hurry, "Oh, sorry, I was trying to be quick before you came out."

She didn't sound very apologetic at all.

"What've you been up to?" She asked, going out to the living room as I followed. There were brown bags all along the coffee table and the distinct smell told me it was Chinese.

"Not much."

Opening one of the bags, she handed me a fork and a take-out box, "Wasn't sure what you liked, so I figured you can't go wrong with fried rice."

I smiled, "Thanks, you didn't have to."

She hummed, "I wanted to." She stayed quiet after, opening another container before plopping on the sofa.

I nodded, taking a few more bits of my take-out before putting it down. It didn't go unnoticed as Elsa eyed me. I thought she'd question my appetite again, but instead… "When was the last time you _drew_ something?"

 _That was random._

"Oh. Um, I…"

How many months had it been? It was sad really, knowing I was only doing damage to myself each day I ignored it.

"…I can't remember exactly when, but it's been a while."

She nodded, going back to her dinner as if she expected that kind of answer. There was something unsaid and me being me, I pried for answers. Clearing my throat, her eyes fell back on me, "How do you know I draw?"

Her lips twitched to a smirk, "Why wouldn't I know this? That's what you're majoring in anyway. Art, right?"

"Yes, but… How would _you_ know this? No offense but we haven't had a full conversation in years." Of course, I'd be the one to bring up the elephant in the room. It's what I'm good at.

Her smirk faded a bit as she looked down into her carton, "I asked about you… My dad kept me updated."

My brows furrowed at her… confession? It sounded like one, so I'll call it that.

"Why?" I pressed forward into a conversation I think we both knew was bound to happen, I'm a pushy person that way.

"That's a silly question, Anna. You're still my best friend... even if I don't show it," she stood up in that moment, going to the kitchen. It felt like she was running without anywhere to go.

I mulled over her response, meanwhile a cork popped in the background as she came back with a bottle of wine and two glasses. "I've personally had a long day, so I need a drink. The extra glass is optional."

"I thought you hated alcohol."

"Not all alcohol," she smiled playfully, pouring herself the bold red with ease. "You want some or not?"

At first, I didn't want to. Elsa and wine didn't sound like the greatest combo. But hell, I deserved a fucking drink after the shit I'd endured, "I'd love some."

Pouring me a glass, she slid it along the table as I hummed in appreciation.

AI swigged a few eager sips, gulps, ignoring Elsa's amused look behind her own glass. We stayed quiet for a bit longer until my eyes locked onto her baby blues. She tilted her head, almost expectantly, "C'mon, Anna, I know you're not done. What else do you want to know?"

She could always tell when something was on my mind.

Another long sip gave me some guts, "I just don't understand why you chose to shut me out all that time ago if you still cared. I mean, I'm not sure what to believe anymore."

That was the wine talking. I wouldn't have said it otherwise.

Downing the rest of her glass, she poured herself another with a dragged sigh, "…Seemed like a good idea at the time. I just figured it was easier, giving us space to focus on our own shit."

It still didn't make sense to me. "What about the letters you promised?"

She stiffened a bit, taking a slow swig to stall, "Do they even matter anymore?"

"... They did to me," I sighed into my glass. My legs ached as I adjusted on the couch, coming closer than I should so our knees could bump.

Her eyes flicked down to the contact but she ignored it, "Look, I'm… I'm sorry for everything that screwed up our friendship. I can't go back or pretend to know what I was putting you through and I get it if you don't want to be as close as we were before… but there's not a day I don't regret pushing you away. I was stupid and selfish… I probably still am. Just- it was something I needed to do at the time."

She bit her lip, eyes downcast in guilt and I suddenly felt like shit for bringing up the subject. There's a reason why unspoken things are left in the dark, they're painful to bring up. Who the fuck was I anyway? I was no better. I sighed deeply, taking a long swig and emptying my cup. By then, my cheeks were warm and my buzz was pulling me a little closer to her.

"Elsa…" She blinked up, a bit startled at how close we had gotten while she was talking. Neither one of us did anything about it.

My warm palm rested on her knee, "We both messed up. I wasn't any better and you know it. I didn't try to change that, I just accepted it instead." I smacked my lips together, "I settled for..." _Careful, Anna._ "...well, I just settled."

A second passed and I wondered if she'd caught on to my slip up. She regarded me quietly, searching my face as if she were waiting for me to keep going. "… Anna, do you ever wonder what your life would be like now if you'd done something different in the past? Made different choices, I mean."

With a deep breath, I whispered, "All the time."

I don't know what compelled me to, but I reached out and started playing with her bangs. She closed her eyes and leaned into my touch, looking so peaceful as my chest tightened at the sight. "Hmm, that feels nice," she breathed, leaning further into my hand until my palm caressed her cheek. I was hypnotized and so was she. Swiping my thumb along her soft skin, I stopped tracing it at the corner of her mouth as it twitched lightly. I didn't dare steal a glance at her lips.

She opened her eyes then, long lashes fluttering over her bright irises. She was nervous about something, I could tell from the way she bit her cheek. Eyes scanning my own as she took a sharp breath.

"Do you love him?"

I retracted my hand as if she'd burned me, "Why would you ask me that?"

She knew she overstepped, closing her eyes regretfully and finishing up her glass, "I'm just feeling hopeful." It was muttered carefully under her breath, but I still heard it clear as day.

She stood, grabbing the empty bottle to take to the kitchen as if she were running again. I stopped her before she could take a step, barely registering that I had grabbed her wrist in the process, "Hold on, _hopeful_? What the fuck do you mean?"

My words may have been whispered but they still made her flinch.

She wouldn't look at me, covering her mouth with the back of her hand that carried the bottle. I felt her body shake as she cleared her throat and looked to me with a sad smile, "It's nothing, Anna… I'm just being dumb. Please, let me go."

It was strained, and there was so much pain behind it. I'd seen that look once before, something I'd never forget. She looked at me that way right before Kristoff proposed. She was crying back then and she was trying to hold back now. I released her wrist in that moment, giving her relief to runaway like she wanted.

She grabbed a key hanging by the wall, avoiding eye contact. I couldn't even call out to her in time. The door slammed as I put the glass down, burying my face in my hands.

 _Wine was a horrible fucking idea._

* * *

After our little wine night, there was nothing but tension. It hung in the air and weighed down on our shoulders whenever we talked or even looked at each other. It lasted for a few days and one day I started to break.

She came home, bags in her hand with groceries and a gentle greeting. I rushed to her, taking half of the bags and helping her to the kitchen. Silently, we started to put things away, maneuvering around each other. But the tension and silence alone were eating me away. I placed my palms on the counter, ready to speak up when she placed a book in front of me.

 _Huh?_

"What's this?"

"A sketchbook…" I looked to her questioningly, hoping for a better answer. She nibbled on her lip and looked at her heels, "And maybe I want to actually see you draw instead of just hearing about it from my dad."

I shook my head in disbelief, "You… You didn't have to do this, Elsa."

She shrugged her shoulders lightly, eyes peering up at me, "I know... but I-"

I smiled softly, "-you _wanted_ to, right?" She broke out into a brilliant smile, running a hand through her long bangs. It was endearing.

Her phone cut our interaction short as she reached for it from her pocket, "Sorry, I need to take this." With a light groan she reluctantly answered, "Elsa Knowles speaking."

She sat at her desk while I put away the groceries for her, attempting to be quiet so I wouldn't disturb the call. She looked so concentrated and distracted, it was cute... and I couldn't help but want to sketch down her expressions from the corner of the apartment. I eyed my new sketchbook in excitement, carrying it to the sofa as I plucked a pencil from a nearby table.

"No, that's not the offer I gave them," Elsa huffed in frustration, playing with the spring of her pen. "They were fine with the first set of numbers, so nothing should be different now." I settled down onto the sofa with my book, cracking it open to a fresh page as my pencil began to scrawl.

She bit her lip and held it there for a good long minute, enough time for me to get it down. She gazed out the window, the sunset hitting her skin perfectly. It almost looked like she had dazed off for a bit.

Then she pinched the bridge of her nose and scanned the room absentmindedly. When she noticed how I was staring at her, she froze. Registering the sketchbook, her lips curled into the warmest smile as she mouthed, " _Are you drawing me?"_

I smirked and nodded, almost giggling at the way she kept glancing from her paperwork to me and failing horribly to keep her concentration. She didn't even care about what the person on the other end was saying anymore, watching me as I sketched her. It made for a good portrait, catching the way her dimples deepened when she smiled.

"I'm not changing it, just email them the same offer. I'll see you tomorrow."

She didn't take her eyes off of me as she hung up the phone, her smile still in place as she drummed her fingers on the desk.

"... Can I see it?"

I laughed, "Yea, just one second." Adding another scribble here and there, I finished my last doodle before bringing it to her.

She was fascinated, inching the book closer to the light from the window to examine every detail. "Wow, Anna… and this is all from just now?"

I nodded, blushing at her reaction. Usually, I'd be used to any kind of criticism, good or bad, I've learned to stay neutral. But my god, she made me feel so proud about it. It was almost like a craving.

"I'm really impressed," she shut it, handing it back to me. "How do you feel after drawing?"

Clutching the book to my chest, I honestly felt… soothed. I hadn't realized till now how much I needed it.

"Never better," I breathed, trying to hide my smile behind my book.

She hummed in response, "Good, well I'm gonna take a shower and then maybe we can go grab some food?"

"Yea, sounds great."

Giving me another brilliant smile, she headed to the bathroom, giving me time to myself. Deciding to sit in her seat, I stared out the window. The summer warmth felt perfect as I sighed and opened my sketchbook again.

I examined the page with a fondness I'd never really had with my artwork before. I wasn't sure if it was from neglecting it for so long or if it was because of Elsa. It might've been both. Each doodle had a different expression, a different movement that expressed her personality.

My favorite sketch was the last one. The one she was smiling in.

God, she looked gorgeous.

I traced a nail along the lines that created her lips, stopping at the corner of her mouth just like I did that night we had too much wine. My brows furrowed a little bit at the thought. A lot of things were left unsaid after that night, like this weird tension between us. It was just dropped like everything else we ever talk about.

Easy to ignore but impossible to forget.

* * *

A/N: Hello! Hope everyone's doing well, next chapter is definitely going to escalate between them, so that's something to look forward to.

Thank you to everyone who left reviews, comments, concerns. Thanks for those who reached out to me through PM's and I always appreciate every follow/fav so thanks again! See you next time.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

….

I placed a hand over my face and giggled, "Oh god, what am I _five_?"

She rolled her eyes, "It's kid-proof, perfect for you." Patting the bag lightly, she winked and headed to the bedroom, shrugging her damp coat and kicking off her muggy heels.

"You know, Elsa, you don't have to keep doing this," I called out to her.

"Oh shut it, it's just Play-Doh." Her voice carrying through the apartment as she changed out of her work clothes.

Since she did go through the trouble, I indulged her and opened the yellow tubs all over her table. Elsa came back out in comfy sweats and a tank top, plopping onto the sofa while I slid onto the floor. She was trying to be quiet and I found it adorable how invested she was.

She was peering over my shoulder as her breath tickled the back of my neck. I did my best to ignore it, tilting my body so she'd have a better view. That didn't change how close she was. Her presence wasn't anything but wanted.

I glanced over my shoulder, catching Elsa's body leaning over me as she pushed herself up from the sofa for a better view. I couldn't help but laugh, scooting to the side and patting the ground, "Come on down, the carpet's fine."

She bit back a smile, sliding down onto the space in front of me. She was a little hesitant at first, her shoulders tense as she got situated. Then I moved forward, holding out my arms on either side of her body. That's when the muscles in her neck relaxed.

It was as easy as breathing and it felt like we were kids again.

We started making little things like snowmen and stars, all sorts of funky shapes. Putting together colorful bits with no intention of actually making something, we were just enjoying the company. Best part about it was how relaxing it felt. Sure it wasn't exactly stuff I'd do in art class, but it got my hands working again and an easy smile on my face.

Her hands looked delicate next to mine and I relished every accidental brush of her fingers against my own.

In the back of my mind, I wondered what the hell I was thinking. It seemed like the longer I stuck around the less I cared. The years of distance and the silence felt pointless. And the idea of even being with her felt like a dream I couldn't make true.

So instead of pining for once, I closed my eyes and _fantasized_ a life with Elsa, dropping my hands to her sides and wrapping them around her middle. With a tired sigh I lowered my head over her shoulder, resting there for as long as she'd let me.

Her hands stopped as she took a deep breath, "You okay?"

"... Yeah, I'm just tired I guess."

So she leaned further back a little, cuddling up to me as gently as she could... and we just sat there, ignoring the clay as the rain hushed the world around us. She leaned her head into the crook of my neck, breathing deeply as she caressed my knuckles with her fingertips. I could've fallen asleep with her had we not been interrupted.

My phone rang then and I had no choice but to reluctantly detach myself from her to fetch it. I couldn't even hide my disappointment.

"Hello?"

 _Hey, babe, are you busy?_

Of course it was Kristoff. "No, what's up?"

Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, I kept pacing slowly around the living room, chancing a furtive glance at Elsa. She had pulled her knees close, wrapping her arms around herself and looking just as I had. Disappointed. Sometimes eyes would find mine before she'd look to the ground again in defeat.

As if I had caused her pain.

I needed to put some form of distance, walking to the bedroom and plopping on the mattress. Thank god she didn't follow me. Shit, what was he even saying?

 _Isn't that crazy, babe?_

"Uh yea, it is. How're your parents doing?"

 _They're great. Mom found a new hobby and-_

I zoned out again, replaying everything in my head… wishing it hadn't stopped; the way her skin felt, her shallow breath, and soft hair. Rubbing my face, I huffed irritably and sat up. Leaning on my elbows, I played with the trinkets on Elsa's nightstand to distract me. I ran a hand over a book and twirled a bottle of perfume, but the light tremble in my hands was aggravating. She had such a crazy effect on me… I didn't know what to do anymore.

Tracing a finger along the edge of her nightstand, I grazed the handle to the drawer. With a light tug and no second thought, I opened it absentmindedly but it jammed. I tried pulling on it lightly, even shoving it back to loosen the jam. It made a scuffing noise, making me stop for a second to see if Elsa had heard. If she did, she didn't care to come in.

Kristoff hadn't stopped all the while.

 _Dad made me come to the office today…_ I hummed in response, letting him go on with his rant.

With another yank the drawer budged, not by much, but it was enough to fit my hand in. At that point, I was just determined to fix her drawer. She didn't have much in it to begin with, from what I can tell, just a few pens and a bottle of pain killers. They rattled as I forced my hand in, holding the phone between my shoulder and ear. My fingers brushed along something like a stack of papers, maybe?

I wasn't too sure.

Gripping the thick papers, I tried dragging them out, but they were wrapped together. _Shit, this was not gonna be easy._ I jostled the drawer with my free hand, playing with it until it gave way with a loud thump. The wood nicked my finger with a light scratch. I hissed in pain, "Ah! Son of a..."

Kristoff stopped talking for a second, growing concerned on the other end. _You okay?_

Now that the jam was gone, I opened the drawer fully, "Yea, I just-"

They were letters, tied together in ribbons and twine. I breathed in sharply, fumbling with the ribbon nervously as I read the name on each one. Anna Porter.

Some were stamped and ready for me to read.

"… Oh my god."

 _What's going on, babe?_

"I-I…" Oh my god. They were here. This was just one handful, looking back in the drawer, there were so many. All of them, tucked away in secret.

She never broke her promise. Elsa never stopped writing to me, she just never sent them out.

My chest tightened, breathing in quicker as I shuffled through the letters. Each one had Elsa's elegant curves found in her writing. I wanted to open them… I felt like I had a right to. But I was scared, _god_ , was I scared. There was a reason she didn't send them and I needed to know. I grabbed another handful from the back.

These were slightly different. They didn't have my address or a stamp. Just my first name and no intention of being sent out. There was something about these in particular that seemed more private and they weren't as crinkled or yellowed. Turning one over and dropping the rest, I ripped the back, exposing a folded slip of writing.

 _Babe, talk to me. You're scaring me._

"Hold on, Kris."

I held my breath, unfolding the page carefully as my eyes scanned the writing…

 _Anna,_

 _I wish I can tell you how hard these past months have been. I've wanted to call you and reach out in some way, but I_ _can't. It's even harder with your birthday coming up again, I don't know if I can keep ignoring you. But I think, I think_ _I have to now more than ever._ _You'll probably never know for as long as I can help it. Anna, I love you and I-_

...I couldn't read anymore, finding it hard to breathe. At least, that's what it felt like. I held the paper to my chest as my body trembled, bursting at the seams. Kristoff was still on the other line, waiting. He didn't deserve this. Dear god, I'm a monster. "Kristoff… I…" The shaking was getting worse, "I c-can't do this anymore…"

… _What're you talking about?_

"Kris… Kristoff, I've made a mistake… I'm so sorry I did this to you."

 _Wait, Anna._

"You deserve so much better... I have to go…" I hung up on him, turning off my phone and chucking it across the room.

Thunder rattled against window pane, making me jump. It was pouring now, street lamps lighting up the slick streets of Manhattan. I almost didn't hear Elsa approach, the ice cubes in her whiskey clinking for my attention. Her eyes glued to me, "Anna?"

No, she was the last person I wanted to see right now. My chest tightened, lungs taking in double the air as I started to gasp. Her baby blues widened with worry. She tried to get closer just as I darted out of the room, shoving past her. Forcing my boots on quickly, I grabbed a jacket and ran out the front door.

"Anna!" I ignored her cries. I didn't know where I was going and didn't care either, I just needed to run. The steady downpour soaked my clothes in minutes, making the articles heavy like the weight buried in my chest. I didn't stop running as my boots made sloppy splashes with each stomp. "Anna!"

No, please don't.

Elsa was just as crazy, running after me as fast as I was going. The burning in my chest was making me waver, slowing my step enough to a stop as I latched onto a lamp post for air. I heaved, looking down at the flooding streets and watching the dirty water flow into the gutters along the curb. Then a palm pressed into my cold shoulder, forcing me to turn around.

"What the hell, An-"

"Why didn't you send those letters to me!?" She flinched, holding her hand back to her chest. I was pissed, stepping forward as she took a step back, "Tell me, Elsa!"

She gaped at me in horror, her mind racing as she stuttered to respond. I lost my temper, "Give me a damn good reason!" Then she snapped.

"How could I when you were with _him_!? What chance did I have with you then, huh!? To even believe you felt the same way!"

 _What..._

My cheeks were flushed, feeling hot inside in lieu of the numbing rain, "How long!?"

She breathed, running a hand through her messy hair to prevent another outburst, "What do you mean?"

"How-" my voice cracked, "How long have you known about it?"

She was fighting with herself, "I... Fuck, Anna..." forcing out the words reluctantly as she whimpered.

"Ever since I left for New York… I knew..." Her voice pulled at my gut. I wanted to be mad, but she made it a difficult task.

Fat drops of rain stained the street, smacking down on my face and matting my hair. My chest heaved, whether from exhaustion or anxiety, I wasn't sure.

She looked just as bad. Her blonde hair turned a shade darker, rain clinging to her face and thick lashes as it came down relentlessly. A poorly lit streetlamp made her skin look flush, a far cry compared to her usual complexion. Her mascara had started to run from the edges of her eyes... but she didn't care. I didn't care. She was still beautiful to me even in this weather.

It was cold and wet.

But those blue irises that I've seen throughout my life, they were only focused on me. So fuck the rain, no matter how hard it came down. I was so focused on her lips and the way her mouth was slightly parted. Her bottom lip quivering before her tongue swiped her upper lip, catching a rain drop. I wanted to catch that drop for her. I also wanted answers, proper ones. So, I waited for her to say something, my eyes pleading for her.

God dammit, I deserve that much.

The space between us grew heavy as she took a small step forward, her bare foot squishing a puddle in her way. Another beat passed, the pitter patter of droplets offering background noise to ease the tension. Then she looked down and took her lip between her teeth, holding back what I needed to hear out of fear. That was when I knew it was time to walk away.

I turned on the ball of my foot, my soaked hair whipping around as my boots began to clunk away from her.

"A-Anna, wait!"

I tried to block her out. I _tried_ to. Fuck, she didn't make it easy.

"Dammit, Anna, just hear me out!"

I shoved my fists into the pockets of my rain coat, trudging through the empty street at this dead hour. If it wasn't for the rain, I wouldn't have heard the growing sound of splashing behind me. It prepared me, taking in stride the moment she grabbed me by the elbow and forced me to turn around. Again, she was staring at me with those eyes. They were the brightest of blues, burning with fear of what was coming undone in a matter of seconds.

"Anna, please just wait…"

I was fuming now, nostrils flaring, "Why?!"

I almost laughed. Shaking my head, I gave her a sad smile as tears formed in the corners of my eyes. The rain made it an easy thing to hide.

She was close now, her hand hadn't let go of my elbow and I could feel the heat of her touch through my jacket. Those dainty fingers held on as I forced myself to not reciprocate the touch.

I took a deep breath, "Why, why didn't you tell me from the beginning, Elsa…?"

Her eyes wilted, and she took that plump bottom lip between her teeth once more. She settled for a sigh, "I… I didn't realize at the time… I was naive..."

 _Of course you didn't realize it, I wasn't any better._

I couldn't hear it anymore. My heart was splintering and I couldn't take it. I tried to back away but she surprised me when her grip held me steady. This time, both hands held my elbows and the jostling action brought us closer. Her breath warmed my face in ways that made my spine tingle. A cold droplet rolled from her eyelash down to my nose. Somewhere in the distance, the rolling waves of thunder echoed as she took another breath.

"Dammit, Anna, I'm trying to tell you…"

 _Please, don't, I can't do this anymore._

"…I've been in love… with you… ever since I left..." Her eyes searched my own and I could see how vulnerable she had become within that moment. She was broken, just like me.

 _But I've already fucked it all up._

"I've practically loved you all my life."

I never hated my body so much. It betrayed me, doing what it wanted instead of listening to my head. I was weak and gave in.

With a whine, I wrapped my arms around her neck and crashed our lips together. She gasped into my mouth, gripping the sides of my waist and clawing at my clothes desperately. My shoulders bumped against the lamp post as she pushed me back, pressing her body against my own. I nipped at her bottom lip, loving the way she whimpered in response.

We were struggling for air, fighting the need to stop as she swiped her tongue over the roof of my mouth. The slight tinge of whiskey was intoxicating and I craved for more. The rain hushed out the sounds of the streets, all I heard were her simple cries. It was years of pain and longing meshed together in one hot mess.

It was a mix of our flaws and needs, finally exposed.

We were gasping, pressing our foreheads together so we could breathe. I never wanted to stop kissing her ever again, it was pathetic. "You have no idea how, how _long_ I've wanted to hear you say that," I whispered, rubbing soothing circles along the back of her neck.

I slid my hands down her wet face, cupping her cheeks, "Elsa, I… I should've told you how I felt… We wouldn't be in this mess if-"

"Don't blame yourself. I'm not sorry for this," she kissed me again, softer this time.

"And... Kristoff?"

She didn't miss a beat, "I don't care, he's borrowed you long enough, Anna."

Her words made my chest ache and the whiskey on her breath had my head spinning. I didn't want to listen to the complications that came with all of this. I just knew I wanted her... she had suffered long enough.

I held her close, taking in her washed out perfume as the lights of Manhattan glowed between us.

* * *

A/N: Yay, we're finally caught up with the prologue.

Thanks for all the reviews/favs/follows and support. I've really appreciated all of it now more than ever!


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

…

There was always this fine line between us, Elsa and me. Sometimes we'd step on it in a taunting way, teasing each other to cross over with a glance or touch. We had been playing with that line for six years. It took a lot to maintain...

... And in one second, I erased it. It made me feel so _alive_.

Her fingers brushed my jaw, raising my face from her neck to suck on my mouth as we stumbled into her apartment. We were soaked, our boots making that squishy sound as our skin prickled from the cold. She didn't seem to mind it, kicking the door shut and finding the first wall to shove me against. My god, yes, I needed that shove. I needed her to grip me tight and kiss me hard.

Her weight pinned me back, those curves pressed up against my body. She had me whining into her hot mouth and I was more than fine with that. Her tongue was svelte, intoxicating me with the heavy whiskey still lingering on her breath. I clawed at her hips and squeezed her ass, making her groan. It was primal, vibrating through me and straight down the pit of my stomach.

It was too much at once.

I crashed our lips together, fighting her tongue desperately as she struggled to pull down my jacket. Arching my back a little, we broke for air as I shrugged it off, letting it fall with a wet smack to the floor.

My hands flew back to her hips, tugging at the hem of her shirt. I was a horny teenager all over again, my hormones fucking screaming at me the longer we took to strip. She dipped her head down for another kiss as I pulled back with a smile, catching her off guard as she giggled. It gave me a chance as I slid along the wall and towards the bedroom, leading her by the shirt all the while. She stumbled blindly, clutching my wrists for guidance as I coaxed her to follow.

Getting to the bed wasn't easy. Bumping into the coffee table fucking hurt. But, we managed with some laughs as we stumbled over our boots. It was sexy, fun albeit clumsy, and passionate.

She straddled my hips at the edge of the bed, giggling each time my nails would scratch underneath her shirt or tickle her ribs. She squirmed, biting back a smile as the amber glow from the city shined through the blinds and on her flushed cheeks. There was this adoration in her eyes, spreading this ridiculous warmth to my toes as my heart pounded a quick beat.

I pulled up her shirt as she lifted her arms, exposing a smooth stomach and heaving breasts. She sighed, relaxing in the feel of my palms gently caressing her skin. Her hands cupped over mine as my thumbs brushed her stiff peaks, swirling over the sensitive buds. She whimpered, shutting her eyes as her body arched.

With a gentle kiss I suckled on her nipple, groaning when her fingers snuck into my hair with a soft tug. Somehow, we kept a slow rhythm. Her hips rocked softly into me as she whined into the quiet apartment. My hands caressed her back, scratching her shoulders lightly as she shuddered.

The tips of her fingers fiddled with the back of my shirt, clutching me as I swirled the tip of my tongue over a nipple. It didn't take long to figure out what makes Elsa tick. Her skin had always been sensitive. The lighter the contact, the more she shivered as my tongue tickled her nerves, striking a breathless moan and a hard grind to the hips.

 _Oh, fuck yes._

Elsa couldn't take it, ripping off my shirt in a rush to press her skin flush to me. She popped off my bra, tossing it aside carelessly. She had a plan, I saw it her eyes as she zeroed in on my freckled chest. But I was too eager, pulling her down with a sudden flip so I could straddle her instead. It was another sudden mood change because I'm impatient and greedy. It made it that much more exciting, knowing she can slow it down as much as I can heat things up.

She gasped at the feel of my hand rubbing along her sex and pressing into her jeans. Her hips rocked up harder as her hands tried to grope my breasts. She didn't know what I liked either, but it was fun figuring it out. My fingers would occasionally press harder before easing up with control I didn't even know I had in me. I wanted to fuck her. I wanted to fuck her till morning. But I also wanted to appreciate the moment.

She was grinding against my hand at an easy pace, panting in my ear while her hands squeezed my ass again. I watched her face as her cheeks flushed even more, those perfect lips parting with each hot breath. She fought to keep her eyes on me, occasionally falling shut the harder I pressed into her sex. I wanted more. With enough struggle, I shoved my hand in her pants as her wet jeans clung to her skin. I never hated jeans so much. Finally pushing past her panties, she parted her legs for me. She was so wet, it drove me crazy. I teased her slit, swirling around her bundle of nerves and taking my time to figure out what made her body tremble.

Her shaky hands moved to my hips, clutching at the skin there as she groaned in frustration. With the pad of my finger taunting her entrance, I leaned down and kissed my way up her neck. When my lips found hers, I slid my finger in and pressed my palm over her clit as she cried into my mouth.

My wrist was already aching after a few minutes, but I didn't care, pumping the digit with a little curl to hit her sweet spot. Her walls clenched sporadically the faster I went, slowing the rhythm once she was writhing enough to make it last longer. As if she couldn't stand staying still, she struggled with my pants, fumbling with the buttons until she finally unzipped them. I moaned when I felt her fingers along my sex, making it harder to focus on her while she was fucking me.

We managed to keep the rhythm going, rocking into each other as she whimpered gently. Our slick foreheads were pressed together and I couldn't help but sigh her name the more she curled her finger. The pressure in my lower belly grew tense as she slipped another finger.

I choked out a cry, squeezing my eyes shut as she kissed my nose. I was close and the clenching of her thighs told me she was too.

Ignoring the pain in wrist, I pumped my fingers a little faster, rubbing my thumb on her clit as she gasped. My arm was burning, fighting back the need to stop with each twitch of my muscles. Meanwhile, her fingers were still buried deep in me as she clawed my shoulder, her faint nails leaving crescent shapes in my skin.

She filled the quiet air with profanities and whimpers, begging me to not stop. I wasn't going to, not when she was coming undone so quickly. Her moans were gentle next to my ear, desperate as they were and raising in pitch.

It lasted a few more seconds before the muscles in her stomach tensed and her body went through waves of spasms. Her voice cried out, melting over my ears with each syllable forming my name. "A-Anna!" She latched onto me, rocking her hips to ride out her orgasm as I kissed her cheek and whispered sweet nothings all the while.

She was panting by the end of it, trying to regain her wits as we stayed unmoving for a bit. She sighed deeply, removing her fingers from within me as she caressed my face with the other hand.

Gently sliding my digits along her slit, I dragged out another groan as I slowly moved my hand too. She arched her back lightly with a lazy smile, cheeks rosy. I gave her one longing kiss before she flipped us over again, barely giving me time to catch my breath.

Her lips tickled my neck, sliding down my stomach as her eyes locked with my own. There was promise within those eyes as she lowered herself, pulling down my pants and settling her gorgeous blonde head between my legs.

"God, Elsa, the things to do to me..." I sighed, never once telling her to stop.

* * *

I didn't feel guilty after. There was no immediate regret. It wasn't there when I kissed her and it didn't show up in the middle of sex. I was waiting for my heart to drop to my stomach or lodge in my throat, but it never happened. All it did was swell, warming my chest as she snuggled closer to me. Her soft breath ghosted my skin in a quiet way as she slept. She didn't snore, at least not roughly. They were like little sighs of satisfaction. With one arm draped over her waist, the other held her head as I played with her hair gently.

For once, I wasn't trying to figure my life out. I didn't need to convince myself that this was unnatural anymore. I wasn't sure what made me think that was a good idea to begin with but I was done playing games. With the idea of sleeping in for the rest of the morning, I took a deep breath and relaxed further into the mattress.

I shut my eyes when a sudden pounding came from the front door. Our heads snapped up as we flinched, waiting a few seconds before I climbed out and fished for a shirt and sweats in her drawers. When the knocking grew louder, I rushed to toss her another set so I could answer the door.

I knew who it was. Who else would manage to bang down Elsa's door this early in the morning? I clutched the front of my shirt, taking a deep breath to calm myself as I swung the door open. Yet, there he was, fist held midair and ready to bang the doldrums once more. His face was covered in sweat after running through the humid streets of New York.

"What the hell, Anna?! I've been worried sick!" He shouted, running a hand through his frizzed hair. "I've been calling for hours!"

My eyes wilted, stinging as I pushed back the need to cry. I did this to him. I did this to such a wonderful person and hated myself for it. That guilt I mentioned about earlier finally found its way to me, lumping in my throat.

In no way do I regret my time with Elsa. What I do regret is the senseless dragging I've done to both of them. I'm guilty of this rift between two siblings whom I've always loved. Their life would've probably been a lot simpler without me in it, if I had moved into a different block or another town.

I gently pressed a hand over his chest, pushing him back from the apartment as I shut the door behind me. Elsa didn't need to take part in this. He was going to hate her anyway, but maybe this way he'll latch all his hate on me and he'll still have a sister in the end…

... even if he can't stand me.

My breathing was hoarse; fighting my throat so it wouldn't close as my eyes skidded shamefully from the floor to him. "I've done something very wrong, Kristoff. I've been nothing but horrible to you, all these years."

His lips were parted as if he wanted to speak, confusion dancing in his hazel eyes. He shook his head lightly, licking his lips, "What're you talking about, babe?" His tone was fearful, waiting for the sentence I needed to deliver. Like a fucking executioner, it was a sick thing.

His words were whispered. It was such a simple question that had me sobbing once the syllables were out. He still didn't understand, though I'm sure his gut gave him a feeling from all the tension suffocating us. I clutched the bottom of my shirt with both hands, twisting it as I tried to get out coherent sentences between each struggling breath.

"… I-I fucked up," my words were shaky and weak.

His fingers wrapped around my shoulders, shaking me lightly as he tried to make eye-contact, "What're you saying?" I couldn't even look at him, deciding to keep them fixed on the floor instead. That's how despicable I am.

"Kris… w-we can't be together anymore."

He scoffed, "You can't be serious, this has to be a bad joke."

I was a mess, waterworks staining my face as I shook my head with a whimper, "I-I'm so sorry, Kris. It's over." There was a pause and I wondered if I spoke too low for him to hear.

"No, things don't just _end_ like this," he raised his voice, "for the love of god, Anna, look at me!" He shook me harder this time and I was forced to finally see him in his broken state. His eyes were glistening with so much anger. I deserved it all, every last bit.

A part of me was scared. I've never seen him like this before and I couldn't help but wonder if this was his first time feeling this way. It was an insistent feeling that he needed to express. "What gives you the right to decide how this ends!?" he almost sounded like a child.

My lip quivered, "…You can't possibly pretend to be happy with s-someone who, who cheated on you… someone who you've loved for years while they loved another and lived a lie. I've made you live that lie with me and I, I took those years from you."

His grip was gone as he stepped back. "You..." He leaned on the opposite wall, letting his head fall back with a loud thump as the tears finally came down his face in frustration. It was a lot t take in. His shoulders shook, "… I gave you all that I had and… you…"

Then he looked at me, shaking his head in disbelief as he tried to make sense of it, "Who was it?"

"… I'm so sorry."

"Answer me! Who was it!?"

As if she were waiting for it, Elsa stepped out of her apartment, grip tight on the handle as she looked to her brother with remorse. Nothing was said, and nothing needed to have been said. For once, in our entire lives everyone was on the same damn page.

His eyes widened as he processed his entire life and all the signs leading up to this moment. "Oh my god..." Then his head was in his hands and he slid down to the floor. We stayed that way for a few minutes, afraid to do anything. I nearly took a step to him when he lashed out, "Don't touch me!"

I flinched and Elsa took half a step closer. His eyes flickered to her, burning with so much hate. He propped his head on a fist, pinching the bridge of his nose as slumped over in exhaustion. With the fight taken out of him, he barely managed to hold himself up.

I couldn't tell how long we held that moment, but it was enough time for me to control my cries. It was too quiet when he sighed deeply, causing me to flinch.

Then he slowly got up, watching the two of us before he started shuffling out. There was an eerie blank expression on his face, as if something in him snapped. As he was out the door, he fiddled with his hand. He smacked his lips together, looking back with a murderous look in his eyes, "Just so we're clear, I never want to see the two of you again…"

With that, he dropped his wedding band behind him as it echoed in the empty hall. It wasn't until he was well out of sight that I dropped to the floor, sobbing once again as Elsa wrapped her arms around me.

Did I honestly believe it would've ended smoothly? Well, I was stupid for even hoping. The disappointment was a knife in my chest, failing so hard in a fight against self loathing that I knew I was never meant to win.

Sometimes, apologies just don't cut it.

* * *

A/N: Hello. *insert excuse here* If you're still reading, thanks for keeping up.

Please leave any feedback if you'd like. Review/Follow/Fav

Updated: 11/2/16


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Hi everyone, I know it's been a long time but I finally got around to finishing this one. This is it and I really hope I gave it justice and the ending this story deserves. I understand it's been a while, so if you need to reread just know I fixed up every chapter as much as I could. You might find a few nicks missing and maybe some slight additions (nothing too drastic.)

It's been wild.

* * *

Chapter 11

...

2 years later

No one had really heard from Kristoff. The only thing I knew was that he signed up to join the air force without looking back. His parents tell me he's doing much better now, albeit it did take him time to find happiness again.

It took us all some time.

I went back to Chicago, selling the house and whatever wasn't of personal value in it. The hardest part was packing up my dad's stuff… his room took me the longest, considering I had decided on doing it myself. I didn't like the idea of strangers touching his stuff. That didn't mean I didn't have help with the rest of the house.

Honestly, if I hadn't hired help then it probably wouldn't have been done.

The money from the house helped pay for rest of my degree plus room and board, the leftovers went into a savings account. I was able to keep busy during my time in college. If I wasn't studying in my small apartment within school grounds then I was working at local galleries. I didn't stop moving the moment I got back home. If I did, that meant I had too much time to think.

Elsa stayed in New York. She had a life over there, a business that she couldn't leave just because I still needed to get my shit together. And I couldn't be a burden to her any longer, it wouldn't have been fair. So I was able to convince her to stay while I left, with the promise of calling each other when we could. She wasn't entirely fond of the idea but she didn't have much of a say. It took time for me to finish school and close up loose ends in Chicago.

It pissed her off even more when I decided to study abroad in Europe for another year.

Trust me when I say we had a couple of fights about it though. It ultimately led me to believe we really did need a decent break to breath from the drama of everything that had transpired. I never stopped loving her… but it did hurt when she found comfort in others from time to time. She didn't need tell me, I knew the familiar sound of a satisfied woman answering the phone and cooing Elsa to wake up for a call from me.

Even if they were one-night stands, I had no right to be upset.

It's not like I didn't do the same a few drunk nights. Everyone has their own way of healing and we're only human.

"Anna, are you listening?"

 _Nope._

Tiana waived a hand in my face, "C'mon sugar, you've been in a tizzy for years now. You _still_ thinking about that whole mess?"

"I guess it's my punishment."

Tiana gave me a pointed look. "You don't need to torture yourself more than you already have, they weren't the best decisions of your life but you're still human. You're allowed to _move on._ "

I gave her a sympathetic smile, "Yeah… right."

She shook her head, "I know it's really none of my business… but you've been back from Europe for two weeks now, why haven't you gone to see her? I know you want to."

That really was the question of the hour.

"I dunno… if I'm being honest with myself… I think I'm terrified."

Her brows furrowed, the question as to _why_ hanging between us as she waited for me to continue. I ran a hand through my fringes as my bracelet caught the corner on my eye. I never took it off.

"What if after all this time," I huffed tiredly struggling with my words, "after the heart ache, the fighting, the lonely nights, the secrecy… what if after all that, there's really nothing between us?"

"What if she realizes she doesn't want to be with me after all the crap I've put her through?"

Tia placed a hand over mine, "C'mon, Anna, you can't seriously think that. The letters, the confessions… you two have always had something there. You can't throw that away because you're scared of the unknown."

I looked up, her eyes imploring me with reason, "Avoiding her is what caused this whole mess to begin with, don't let it be the catalyst again. You can be happy with her if you just let yourself."

I soaked in her words, not wanting to ruin our time together any longer with my problems. So I smiled, nodding my head until she was convinced I understood the weight of her words.

"Alright, I'm heading off to bed. See you in the morning, Anna."

She definitely gave me something to think about when we parted.

I threw myself on the sofa with a sigh. I didn't want to settle back in Chicago, it didn't feel like home to me anymore. So when I found out Tiana moved to New York to expand her restaurant, I jumped at the chance to stay with her till I got my own place.

 _So what do I want?_

I grabbed my cigs in frustration and went out to their balcony. The night air was crisp and calm, the faints sounds of traffic in the distance didn't bother me as I tapped the box against my palm. I drew the cigarette to my lips, flaming it to life with a deep inhale as I looked up to the sky.

I blew out a puff of smoke with a groan, leaning forward on my elbows as the pads of my fingers caressed the blue stone over my wrist. It's not like I didn't _want_ to call her, I just… I pulled out my phone, taking another drag as I looked at the time. It was late. _She's probably sleeping._

My thumb hesitated over her name, twitching as I tapped anyway. It rang a couple of times. I thought it would go to voicemail until I heard her gentle voice over the speaker. It made me regret calling.

 _Hi._

"H-Hey." Fuck, I didn't know what to say.

 _How're you?_

"Fine, taking a smoke… I, um… I just got back from Europe a couple weeks ago."

 _Oh? That's good to hear._

From the way her voice sounded, she didn't know what to say either. We stayed silent as I took another drag, pressing a thumb between my brows as I contemplated. "… Actually, I've been thinking a lot… about _us_."

 _Yeah?_

"Yeah," I smiled sadly against my phone and I could hear her smiling too. I wanted to be there with her, stealing kisses and making her laugh. My body trembled at the thought of circling my arms around her again, to feel our noses bump, and her smile against my cheek. I wanted all of it.

It made my eyes water as I thought back on every fucking mistake I've ever made, all the time it took for me to feel _okay_ again, "I miss you… so much…"

I clenched the rail on the balcony, biting my lip to hold back the pain in the chest. I took a shaky breath, her sigh caressing my ear from the other side of the call.

 _Anna,_ w _here are you?_

My heart skipped a beat, "I'm staying with a friend… in New York. It's on the corner by that bakery we used to walk to from the park, do you remember?"

She paused, _…Yeah, I remember. Why didn't you tell me you were here sooner?_

Sighing into the phone, I bit my lip, "… I was scared, Elsa. I didn't know if you wanted to see me after all this time."

 _Why would you think that?_

Everyone seemed to ask me the same thing. It was getting harder to justify my case, "I don't know, I-"

There was static coming from the other end for a moment.

"Elsa? You there?"

 _Y-Yeah…_ she sounded out of breath, _I just dropped my phone, keep, keep talking to me._

"W-What're you doing?"

 _Honestly? I'm…_ She hesitated taking a minute to breathe. There was a knock coming from inside the apartment. I jumped at the sound, looking at my phone in disbelief, "Elsa… are you?"

 _…_ _You should probably answer that._

Tossing my cigarette, I ran inside, nearly stumbling over the sofa as I wretched the door open. There she was, covered in sweat and leaning against the doorframe. "H-Hey, I found you," she was panting, trying to catch her breath while she hung up her phone. She had a smirk on her face as I stared wide eyed in awe.

"What are you doing here?!"

She wiped her forehead, pushing back her bangs that stuck to her face, "I, I wanted to see you," she took another deep breath, struggling between sentences, "you sounded so upset, so, so I ran toward the bakery… followed the sound of your voice from… the balcony."

Tiana overheard the commotion and peeped her head from her room, "Everything alright, sugar?"

"Y-Yeah, Tia… it's just Elsa."

She paused before calling out again, "… I'll leave you be then."

Elsa chuckled lightly, gesturing me to follow her outside so we wouldn't make anymore noise so late at night. We sat out by the curb, Elsa laying back so she could catch a breath. I let her relax for a bit, still processing that she just ran all the way from her apartment and managed to find me. From her spot on the floor, I felt her eyes regarding me, "Anna, why would you think I didn't want to see you?"

I shrugged, finding the whole thing kinda silly after Elsa's big gesture in coming here, "A part of me thought you were bored of my antics, making you wait… leaving you behind."

"Well you sure as hell pissed me off, but, Anna I've already told you… I'm in love with you and that hasn't changed, not once. You and I? We're a lot of work."

She sat up, bumping her shoulder with mine so I would look at her, "So, what do you want to do about it?"

 _What do I want?_ The answered seemed so easy now with her in front of me, looking utterly exhausted and gorgeous all at once.

I leaned forward, tipping her chin as I pressed my lips against hers with resolve. She whimpered, already out of breath enough as she pulled back with a smile, her breath tickling my face. It was infectious as a smile graced my lips in response, "I want to try again, Elsa… I want to come home."

* * *

I fiddled with the hem of my blouse, bouncing from toe to toe as I scanned the room. Elsa placed a hand over my shoulder, "Relax, Anna, he's not even here yet." I leaned into her touch, nodding nervously as I held my lip between my teeth.

She moved forward, whispering in my ear, "You look beautiful by the way."

I turned, giving her a soft smile as I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, "You already said that earlier."

"I meant it," she planted a chaste kiss over my lips as a waitress led us to our table.

We slid into one side of the booth with ease as I watched the other patrons in the diner converse. My bag felt heavy over my lap, the contents within making me swallow thickly. I didn't know what to think when I saw his trimmed blonde hair peaking through the entrance to find us, but my heart stopped. A part of me wanted to run until Elsa laid a hand on my knee as she watched her brother approach us. He didn't wear a smile or a frown, he seemed indifferent, sitting across from us without a word.

We didn't know what to say. I don't think any of us thought we'd be sitting at a dinner table together after what happened. I honestly, thought I'd never see him again. He shrugged off his jacket, showing the grown muscles and tanned skin he adopted from the air force.

Elsa was the first to speak, "… You look good, Kristoff, thank you for coming."

"I wasn't going to show up…" His tone wasn't vindictive or nasty as he regarded us, just relaxed.

Those hazel eyes locked with cerulean as he watched Elsa, "… but mom gave me a hard time, well, you know how she can be." She smiled faintly, nodding in acknowledgment as the waitress came by with coffee. I busied myself with cream and sugar, hesitating when Kristoff passed me a stirrer without a second thought. I couldn't even look at him in the eyes.

 _How can he act so calm about all this?_

Elsa cleared her throat, glancing from her mug to him, "…Will you hear what I have to say?"

He grunted in response and it was enough for her to keep going, "I don't suppose you'd want to hear anymore apologies from us or from me."

"No, you've expressed that enough through countless voicemails. I don't need another _I'm sorry_." She held her breath, clenching my knee as I brought my hand underneath the table, swiping my thumb over her knuckles in support.

He leaned back with a quizzical brow, "What's so different now?"

She pressed on, "I… want a chance to be the sister you deserve, Kristoff, we're still family and I want to be there for you even if you don't want me to… Please…"

He looked as if he was about to make a snarky remark but held his tongue. Searching her face for a moment, he sighed in resignation as he rubbed his neck tiredly, "It's exhausting, staying upset for so long…"

Sipping his coffee, he swirled it in his mouth before swallowing, "I don't suppose you're just going to leave me alone if I say no anyway, right?"

This time she smiled up at him, filled with hope, whispering her words carefully, "Not a chance."

He chuckled to himself, "Stubborn ass."

It was the first time in years I thought that they might be okay again.

His hazel eyes shifted finally to me, dipping his head to catch my nervous gaze as I realized his attention was all on me.

"What about you, Anna? Are you even gonna look at me?"

His voice grew gentle and it broke my heart. I almost choked on my words as I finally looked into his eyes, glinting in the morning sun, "I-I don't know where to even begin, Kristoff," my tone was weak as my throat bobbed.

"Anna…" Elsa whispered beside me, patting my knee as she looked to my bag, "the letters."

Right, the letters. I fumbled with the wrapped bundle of papers, pausing for a moment to look at them fondly before giving them up to him. He took them cautiously, eyeing the lettering as he noticed his name written on every sealed paper. The pads of his fingers traced my handwriting, noting the years of wear and tear on them.

He hummed to himself, holding the papers tenderly, "You… You wrote to me?" He sounded shocked, almost in disbelief, as he quietly counted two years worth of writing.

One letter for every month.

I practiced my breathing, taking the time to say the right thing. It felt like I only had this one chance and I didn't want to mess it up. When Elsa linked our fingers from beneath the table, I found the courage to speak.

"… You said you never wanted to see us again… and, and I didn't know what else to do… I know-" my voice was cracking as he listened carefully, sadness encompassing his features.

"-I know, it doesn't change what I did to you… how I _fucked_ up… I don't expect it to be enough but… Kristoff, this is all that's left of me. You have all that I am, all I've ever wanted to say there in your hands… a-and I'm sorry it'll never be enough…"

The tears were falling down my face now as I leaned forward, placing a hand over my chest, "You can hate me for the rest of my life… but-"

He put up his hand, cutting me off as his words dripped over my ears, "Anna, I don't _hate_ you… I physically _can't_ , I've tried. There's no room in my body to hate you or Elsa. You just _hurt_ me… do you understand?"

I hadn't noticed Elsa crying too until I felt her hand trembling in mine. When I looked up, she had hide her face behind dainty fingers, eyes closed in defeat.

Kristoff looked between the two of us, his hand grasping his sister's forearm, "Elsa, look at me, please."

Her eyes fluttered open, dazed in his forgiving irises as he licked his lips, "I didn't know what to expect when I agreed to meet with you both… but it sure as hell wasn't this…" He gestured to the letters.

"It's gonna take a lot of work if you two are willing… but, I think I'm ready to start."

Elsa and I looked to each other as we smiled gently in agreement and then to him. It wasn't a perfect reunion, but it was a start. I was grateful to even have that with him.

* * *

The drive back to our apartment was quiet, the street lamps illuminating the slick streets of New York. Our city.

I held her hand over the gear shift, fingers laced together as I caressed her skin from time to time. Occasionally, I would steal glances at her profile. Then she'd catch me staring, causing her to look away as she bit her lip. My heart was bumping a sporadic tune in my chest, tightening as I leaned back in the passengers seat. We parked up along the curb, taking our time as we made our way up the blue front door.

Then she spun me around as my shoulders knocked up against the wood, uncaring as long as her lips were pressed firmly over my own. She kissed me lazily, holding the back of my neck as I sighed in response. I was breathless when she finally broke away, "… What was that for?"

She licked her lips with a sly grin, "Because I can."

I didn't complain, letting her lead me inside as I bit back a goofy smile. _God, the things you do to me…_

She shrugged off her coat, dropping it to the sofa as she moved to her stereo quietly, the sounds of blues flooding the apartment not a second later. I nearly flicked on the lights when her hands stopped me from behind. I smiled to myself, relaxing as her warm breath washed over the back of my neck, her hands spinning me by the waist. I melted into her, settling my curves against hers like so many times before.

Those thick lashes fluttered over endless baby blues, gazing at me with adoration. I leaned into the crook of her neck, my arms looped behind her as she embraced me with a happy sigh. We swayed gently to no specific beat, my hands playing with blonde loose strands from her bun. I could've fallen asleep from the way she rubbed my back, her voice humming along to the melody. She made me fall in love with her over and over again… it was _constant_.

Sometimes I still think back and wonder what my life would've been like, had we done things differently. But then we wouldn't be living in the moment and that's all I wanted to do anymore.

I kissed her neck, licking my lips as I got closer to her ear, "I think I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Elsa Knowles."

She pulled back to meet my eyes, a lopsided grin on her face, "Yeah?"

I leaned up and kissed that stupid grin, "Yeah."

...

The end.

* * *

Thank you all for everything, I truly mean that. As always, please feel free to fav/follow or review your final thoughts. Take care.


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